Changes

It has been three years since my last entry and looking at my past posts I am quite surprised at the "old" me. These few years seem to have changed my worldview and my self-view. I have not yet decided if I have changed for the better or for the worse but part of me chooses to not care about this differentiation because trying to label my life as good or bad is arbitrary and purely temporary, what matters is how I choose to let my experiences define me as a person. 

I am grateful that I have overcome so much, that I have traveled so far, that I have won some battles and lost others, that I have come to cherish a family that loves me unconditionally, that I have finally recognized that love is pure and of supreme importance, that I am not a robot or as strong as I delude myself to be, that I am far from perfect, that I possess the courage to fail and learn from my failures, that I am finally making life choices backed by reason and not emotions (especially fear), that I recognize that I need to grow, that I am gradually discerning the roots of my emotions, that I find joy and contentment with myself, that I am not living to please others, that I am intentionally stepping out of my comfort zone, that... So much has changed, and I am grateful for all that (the good and the bad). 

These days I am taking a stab at veganism. It is a big change for me as I have never been particularly fond of fruits or vegetables. But, the costs of eating meat (for me and for the planet) is just too high to be justifiable. I have officially completed my first month of plant based whole food diet and I have to say that I am surprised at how much I enjoyed it. I feel healthier and happier (literally)! I am liking it so far and I hope to continue on. 

Feeling very confused

I'm perplexed. I haven't been this confused in quite some time, and I have to say that this is not a good state to be in. 

So, here's the situation. I just got a new job offer (yay!) a few days ago and according to my phone conversation with the HR representative, the on board date we agreed on is July 1st. But, about two hours ago, I opened the offer letter they mailed me and the on board date on it is June 21st (Monday). 

I'm not surprised to see this mix-up because we went back and forth discussing the date during the phone call, but the dilemma I have now is that today is a Sunday and the 21st is tomorrow, meaning that I have no one to iron out this confusion with before one of the potential dates arrive.

I'm just puzzled...

Traveling in China

Awhile back, I had the opportunity to go to Beijing. During my stay there I witnessed many sides of Beijing, including beautiful Beijing, scary Beijing, and hilarious Beijing:

I don't really know the name of this flower, but I found this in the middle of a small garden that is located near the National Palace in Beijing. It's not easy to find such a beautiful masterpiece of nature in the middle of a bustling metropolis, so seeing this was definitely a treat!

These are living scorpions skewered and awaiting to be barbecued... I like a good BBQ, but this is just plain scary. The only thing I could do when I saw this is cringe, take a photo, and run away. There is no way I would even fathom munching on one of these little guys. I'll have nightmares!

In English, you can't really tell why the photo is funny, so here is the Chinese part: "Please lock the door when using the bathroom." And, trust me, the sign is absolutely necessary in China. I was shocked quite a few times when people wouldn't lock their stalls in the public bathrooms even when there were locks (some bathrooms don't even bother putting in locks because people don't lock them anyways, but tourists are people and we are used to locking our stalls, so...) and the way Chinese people check to see if a stall is in use is to open the door and see for themselves (I guess they're used to seeing other people or be seen doing their business). After that horrifying bathroom experience, I limited myself to using the bathroom only when at my hotel.

The Mozart Group's performance in Taipei

The Mozart Group is just simply wonderful! I went to see them perform last Friday in Taipei and I couldn't stop laughing. I don't think I ever laughed so much in my life! The performance was about one and a half hour long and they started off with this exact performance. Their show basically added humor, acting, and singing into classic and popular music, and it was a wonderful hit! The entire event was just right: the stage, the audience size, the interaction with the audience, the lighting, the concert hall, everything.


After watching the show, I cannot help but admire their humor and teamwork, because to pull off such a wonderful performance, the four musicians not only have to trust and rely on each other (immensely), but also on their crew (which the audience doesn't see). After watching this show, I have become a fan! Next time they're in town, I will definitely be there!

Cooking

Cooking is not as hard as I thought it was. I guess I've always been holding back because I was scared of the notion of cooking. But, recently I decided, what the hell, let's go for it. So, the first thing I made is curry chicken and veggies, and boy was I surprised. It was wonderful! To counter the spicy kick, I added honey to mellow it out and the sweetness of the honey complemented the curry spice and brought out the aroma of all the veggies; the chicken just tied all the flavors together. It was a very rewarding experience!

After that, I decided to go for something different. So, I made a potato salad and a pot of 魯味 (I'm not sure what that is in English). The salad was great. I had potaoes (duh!), apples, onions, and hard boiled eggs. I'd say that it was also a success. The 魯味was a bit of a different story. For that, I made chicken, eggs, seaweed and lots more. The first pot I made was a bit salty, but after three times, it was a pretty good success.

Today, I decided I wanted to make something totally different, so I tried French Toast. It wasn't bad. I decided to forgo syrup, because I didn't have that, so I used honey instead. And, it was as yummy! The good thing about making my own food is that I can adjust my recipe to my tastes, so I don't have to feel that the food is too greasy or too sweet (which is normally the case when I eat out).

All in all, in the past few weeks, I guess cooking has become my stress outlet. I'm no longer intimidated by it, I actually like it. I guess it's a form of self actualization, because I feel good when I succeed and I enjoy the process of perfecting a bad dish. I guess it's therapeutic.

Anxiety

Lately I've been asking myself, how do I serve the Lord? How do I follow Him? I know from my two past short "work experiences" that I lose sight of God easily. I know that I a easily swayed and distracted by worldly things: success, failure, self-esteem, goals, interpersonal relationships, acclaim, appreciation, acknowledgement, comparison, experience, attractiveness, acceptance, popularity, workload, etc. Even though I may want to devote myself to God, a part of me is fearful that such a devotion will be shortlived and overwhelmed by worldly distractions. I am afraid that my faith is weak. That fear is holding me back from moving forward. That fear is keeping me from growing and stepping out of my comfort zone. The idea of stepping out my comfort zone is daunting enough for me to lose sight of the Lord. I need to shake the habit of relying on myself whenever I am in distress. If I relied on the Lord instead, I would not have to rely on myself and I would not have to veer off into the worldly path, because that's normally where I end up whenever I rely on myself.

Tomorrow I have a job interview. I do not know whether this is the job God has prepared for me. The fact that I do not know adds so much anxiety to my life right now. I feel that I am stuck in a state of despair and uselessness. If tomorrow's interview is not the job God has prepared for me, I feel hopeless. I do not know where to go after this. I do not know how to find a job, because I honestly feel useless at this point. However, the ironic thing is that if tomorrow's interview is the job God has prepared for me, I am in fear. I am afraid of change and of new environments. So, if that is the job God has prepared for me, I am afraid because it is a new environment with new dynamics and new relationships to learn and form. This is ironic because I am afraid that tomorrow's interview may not be the job God has prepared for me, but I am also afraid because tomorrow's interview may in fact be the job God has prepared for me. I want it to be the job God has prepared for me, but I also do not want it to be the job God has prepared for me. Why am I such a coward? Why am I afraid of change? Life is full of change. Wherever I go, there will be change. Why can't I shake this fear?

Jesus, I need you! I need strength! I want to rid myself of this fear. I want to grow in Your grace and mercy! I want to enter into a new stage of my life. I want to discard my old self and grow into my new self. I want to embrace change. I want to presevere from this fear of change. I want to overcome this fear. I want to change. I know change will bring healing! Whatever tomorrow's outcome is, I know it is the beginning to a new change. Wherever I go from here on, I want to be deeply rooted in the Lord! When challenges appear and when hardships come, I do not want to rely on myself or be swayed by my own emotions. I want to be guided by the Lord. I want to rely on the Lord. I want to be silent and listen to the Lord. I do not want to be overwhelmed by my own fear and by my incessant moans of fear. I want to be silent and wait upon the Lord! This is something I want to learn everyday! I don't want my life as a Christian to be someone who believes in Jesus but does nothing to reflect it, I want my life as a Christian to be active surrendering of myself to the Lord! I want Christ to be the authority of my life, the captain of this ship!

Faith

Recent events in relation to job search has shaken and re-built my faith. This week I went to a new job thinking that this was the job God has prepared for me. Yet, I soon realized there were some contractual issues and differences of opinions and mindsets that made a longterm working relationship somewhat impossible. After consulting with my fellowship shepherd, I decided to discontinue my service in the company after only one day of employment. This came as an awful shock to me because I literally felt like a deserter. Monday night, after my first day of work, I prayed to God all through the night. During the entire process I really struggled. The night before, I had just told God that I will rely on Him and endure all hardships ahead of me, yet 24 hours later I was asking God whether I should leave. I really felt defeated and disappointed at myself.

After a few hours of prayer and more hours of tossing and turning in bed, God reminded me of a promise I made to Him roughly a year ago in Korea. I told God that I will follow Him, serve Him, and even bleed for Him. Yet, the fresh memories I have about my last employment (or what turned out to be a part-time job) starkly contrasted my promise to Him. Relative to the struggles I will face if I am to be His servant, the hardships of my last job though small in comparison, demolished me completely, because I did not rely on God in the most crucial moments. Instead, I pushed myself into the desert where I discovered my all time spiritual low. This reminder tore down my facade of independence and strength. In the wee hours of the morning, I came to God and repented my sins. Sins that consisted of my unwillingness to surrender to Him, rely on Him, or admit Him as my God of my life. By breaking down in front of God, he rebuilt me by giving me newfound spiritual awareness and strength. It was then that I returned to God. I finally admitted (for the first time in my life, though perhaps not the first time in my subconscious) that I am weak and that I am not an island. At that point I once again realized the meaning of my life lies in God. Around 4 or 5 a.m. God once again reminded me of the calling He placed in front of me: to "go and make disciples of all nations," 海外宣教, and 服事, 全職服事. I will serve Him! I will serve Him with all my life and all my heart!

Honestly, I fear whatever lies ahead of me. My future is a blur to me. I have no idea where I will be tomorrow or next month or next year. Everything ahead of me is uncertain. And, that scares me. I'm afraid of the decisions I will make or will not make. All I can do is place all of this in God's hand. It seems that I've made it a habit to rush ahead of God rather than waiting upon Him and allow Him to guide me. I've always been impatient and hence, I've never really waited for or upon Him. Henceforth, I will try to be still and wait. Even though, I have financial pressures that drive me to urgently seek employment, I will bring all my fears and concerns to God and have Him lead me because any decision I make on my own seems be throw me onto a path that God has not opened up for me. Therefore, everytime that path closes, I feel defeat, disappointment, and pain. I'm going to stop rushing ahead of God and do what He wants me to do! Whatever I do in the future, I will center my life around God. I will serve Him! I will serve Him all my life!