Faith

Recent events in relation to job search has shaken and re-built my faith. This week I went to a new job thinking that this was the job God has prepared for me. Yet, I soon realized there were some contractual issues and differences of opinions and mindsets that made a longterm working relationship somewhat impossible. After consulting with my fellowship shepherd, I decided to discontinue my service in the company after only one day of employment. This came as an awful shock to me because I literally felt like a deserter. Monday night, after my first day of work, I prayed to God all through the night. During the entire process I really struggled. The night before, I had just told God that I will rely on Him and endure all hardships ahead of me, yet 24 hours later I was asking God whether I should leave. I really felt defeated and disappointed at myself.

After a few hours of prayer and more hours of tossing and turning in bed, God reminded me of a promise I made to Him roughly a year ago in Korea. I told God that I will follow Him, serve Him, and even bleed for Him. Yet, the fresh memories I have about my last employment (or what turned out to be a part-time job) starkly contrasted my promise to Him. Relative to the struggles I will face if I am to be His servant, the hardships of my last job though small in comparison, demolished me completely, because I did not rely on God in the most crucial moments. Instead, I pushed myself into the desert where I discovered my all time spiritual low. This reminder tore down my facade of independence and strength. In the wee hours of the morning, I came to God and repented my sins. Sins that consisted of my unwillingness to surrender to Him, rely on Him, or admit Him as my God of my life. By breaking down in front of God, he rebuilt me by giving me newfound spiritual awareness and strength. It was then that I returned to God. I finally admitted (for the first time in my life, though perhaps not the first time in my subconscious) that I am weak and that I am not an island. At that point I once again realized the meaning of my life lies in God. Around 4 or 5 a.m. God once again reminded me of the calling He placed in front of me: to "go and make disciples of all nations," 海外宣教, and 服事, 全職服事. I will serve Him! I will serve Him with all my life and all my heart!

Honestly, I fear whatever lies ahead of me. My future is a blur to me. I have no idea where I will be tomorrow or next month or next year. Everything ahead of me is uncertain. And, that scares me. I'm afraid of the decisions I will make or will not make. All I can do is place all of this in God's hand. It seems that I've made it a habit to rush ahead of God rather than waiting upon Him and allow Him to guide me. I've always been impatient and hence, I've never really waited for or upon Him. Henceforth, I will try to be still and wait. Even though, I have financial pressures that drive me to urgently seek employment, I will bring all my fears and concerns to God and have Him lead me because any decision I make on my own seems be throw me onto a path that God has not opened up for me. Therefore, everytime that path closes, I feel defeat, disappointment, and pain. I'm going to stop rushing ahead of God and do what He wants me to do! Whatever I do in the future, I will center my life around God. I will serve Him! I will serve Him all my life!