Never had I imagined that I would feel so depressed about church. In my mind, church, or actually fellowship, has always been a home away from home. At times I feel more at home in fellowship than with my family. However, after this incident with my job and three accummulated talks with my shepherds from fellowship, I feel completely heartbroken. For the first time ever, I feel a sense of doom and despair when I think about fellowship, church, and them. My heart is no longer with them and every day I find myself dreading the thought of talking to them or seeing them. I want to leave. I've lost my faith in this group.
In two short weeks, I've witnessed firsthand how powerful and harmful human words can be. I've been hurt by what they said, and I know for a fact that they've been hurt from what I've said as well. I can no longer picture myself working with them. I ask for their forgiveness but I do not want to explain myself. I refuse to have my motives questioned. I do not want to waste any energy defending myself or debating my actions. To do so is simply futile.
I guess I'm simply disappointed at the fact that I am not trusted. I'm disappointed at the fact that they assume my words were meant to harm them and accuse them. I'm disappointed at the fact that my character has been placed in doubt. It hurts to hear them imply that I tried to spread rumors and cause a rift between them and other sisters. It hurts to be implicated like that. It hurts to realize that I'm not trusted. It hurts so much no words or actions can undo what has been said. I'm disappointed that the home I thought I once had is gone. It hurts to realize that such small actions from people you care is more fatal than elaborate plans of attack from strangers or enemies. After all this, I realize that all I want is just to leave.
Thursday, October 23, 2008
Wednesday, October 15, 2008
Roller Coaster Month
During the past month, God gave me a truly unforgettable experience. If I were a few years younger, I might have resented this experience. However, today, all I can say is, "Praise the Lord," for every homework He gives me is truly beneficial to my life.
Last month, my shepherd told me about a job opening in the Accounting Department of my old school. After praying about it, I felt that God closed all doors to all other jobs leaving this one open. Hence, I met with the Department chair, who is also Christian. The very next day, I started work/training with one of the colleagues in the department. All went well for awhile. I learned a lot about her job routines, because I was to be hired to fill in her position for she was transfering to a different section in school. All I can say is that I have big shoes to fill, because she is great at her job, her work load is huge, and as a newbie, I have tons and tons of stuff to learn. I think of her as my mentor at work.
As soon as October started, my "mentor" started work in her new position, leaving me to work full time at her old position (although I wasn't yet officially hired, due to complicated procedures in the school). As soon as she left, things went haywire. I realized that in the small office of four, two of my "colleagues" would not talk to me. They wouldn't even look at me or respond to any of my questions. I could feel tension building up everyday. Initially, I thought that this treatment they were giving me was a result of the fact that we were not yet acquainted. I believed that with time, things would improve.
One week into this, a professor suddenly announced that his classmates were coming for a visit and he required our assistance in accommodating them. Since this task fell into the category of one of my mentor's past duties, it became my responsibility. I realized that one of the colleagues (A) who did not talk to me started helping me and even responded to my questions, while the other one (B) did not move a finger. Thankfully, the job was finally completed.
A few days later I noticed some unread emails in my computer. They turned out to be B's complaint to the chair regarding the accommodation task to be my job and not hers. This came as a shock to me, because B forwarded her complaint to the chair to my personal email account.
During that week, I felt that A and B remained stationary in their attitudes toward me (one responded to me while the other ignored me). In my mind I felt a bit relieved, because at least there was some improvement. Since my parents were in Taiwan visiting, I left early on Thursday noon to enjoy the long weekend vacation with my family.
Before returning to my job, I felt a growing pang of dread Sunday night. Monday morning I discovered that my mentor moved my recruitment along: a job opening announcement was posted on the school's website (which is a required step in the procedure). My mentor and the chair had originally planned to announce the job, conduct the interview with two teachers and the chair herself, and hire me as soon as the procedure was over. Yet, things started to change Monday afternoon. Applications started coming in (which is normal), but as soon as my mentor came to the office to talk to me, A gave her a package, which turned out to be an application for the job opening by A's old colleague (who happened to work in my position and left before my mentor came on board). 'A' also asked some probing questions concerning interviewer members for the following day as well as questioned why certain teachers weren't invited. At that time, both my mentor and I sensed something wrong. Since the following day was interview day, my mentor asked me to come in around noon for the interview and forget about work for the day.
That night I prayed about this job. The more I prayed, the less peace I felt. In fact, I started feeling a drive to leave this job. Just as I started having these feelings, a trading firm called me to invite me to a job interview scheduled for the following day. This was too much of a coincidence. Hence, I prayed. The more I prayed, the more I felt that the school was not a place for me. Hence, before the interview, I talked to the chair about this and ask her not to feel any pressure to hire me or be bound by any sort of commitment to me.
When I arrived at the office, I noticed my other colleague (C), who has been friendly to me since day 1, looking at me with a rather awkward and embarrassed expression. I soon realized that it was because things changed drastically during the morning. Somehow colleagues A and B were able to pressurize the chair into openly inviting all faculty to serve as interviewers. Hence, three extra professors appeared for the interview, two of which are very close to A and B.
During the interview, I realized that these two professors asked rather unfriendly questions, some of which were sarcastic, sour, or implicitly accused the chair, my mentor, and I. The interview felt like a tug of war between two sides: the two professors who are VERY friendly with A and B and the three original interviewers.
As soon as the interview was over, my mentor told me that she would call me as soon as a decision was made. From her look, I knew that something was wrong. After I left, my mentor called me to ask me where I placed the resumes of the other three applicants who were not invited to the interview. Some time later, after a number of calls back and forth the office, my mentor and the chair told me that a meeting was held and a tie resulted between me and the old colleague. Since the chair did not vote, all professors present asked her to make the decision regarding who to hire. The chair told me she wanted to hire me, but since she knew about my prayers, she told me not to feel pressure and think about it through the weekend. Although it's a bit premature to make any decision, I am rather inclined to seek employment elsewhere, which I will not tell the office before this weekend (which is a work weekend).
Today, when I went to work, I noticed colleagues A and B's growing unfriendliness toward me. In fact, as soon as I walked into the office, I saw a very unhappy and shocked look from A. All morning today, none of them (A, B, and C) talked to me nor responded to my questions. Actually, B did respond to one question but in a whisper accompanied by a disgusted tone. When a professor came in, one which I guess is close to B, and inquired A about the person filling in for my mentor, A purposedly responded loudly that she didn't know because the situation was too awkward. I literally felt all eyes in the office fall on me. In a sense, I felt that my colleagues were building an army of professors against me.
When I left to see my parents off in the airport, colleague C caught up with me at the elevators. I was surprised that she talked to me. In fact, that was the first real conversation I had with anyone in the office. I realized that C is a friendly person, who feels pressure about befriending a common enemy of A and B (me) due to her recent arrival at her current position. In a sense, she felt a pressure to alienate me in order to fit in at the office. Well, I don't blame her. Even the students working part-time at the office are doing the same thing toward me.
What will happen tomorrow, Friday, or the long weekend I am not sure. I cannot even imagine it. All I can say is that I place my future in God's hands and may God lead me and the entire office. May His blessings rain down on the chair, my mentor, the office, the faculty, and me. I finally understand what it feels like to feel blind about one's future. I can only rely on God now and trust that He will lead the way and that the path He has prepared for me is the best. God help me!
Last month, my shepherd told me about a job opening in the Accounting Department of my old school. After praying about it, I felt that God closed all doors to all other jobs leaving this one open. Hence, I met with the Department chair, who is also Christian. The very next day, I started work/training with one of the colleagues in the department. All went well for awhile. I learned a lot about her job routines, because I was to be hired to fill in her position for she was transfering to a different section in school. All I can say is that I have big shoes to fill, because she is great at her job, her work load is huge, and as a newbie, I have tons and tons of stuff to learn. I think of her as my mentor at work.
As soon as October started, my "mentor" started work in her new position, leaving me to work full time at her old position (although I wasn't yet officially hired, due to complicated procedures in the school). As soon as she left, things went haywire. I realized that in the small office of four, two of my "colleagues" would not talk to me. They wouldn't even look at me or respond to any of my questions. I could feel tension building up everyday. Initially, I thought that this treatment they were giving me was a result of the fact that we were not yet acquainted. I believed that with time, things would improve.
One week into this, a professor suddenly announced that his classmates were coming for a visit and he required our assistance in accommodating them. Since this task fell into the category of one of my mentor's past duties, it became my responsibility. I realized that one of the colleagues (A) who did not talk to me started helping me and even responded to my questions, while the other one (B) did not move a finger. Thankfully, the job was finally completed.
A few days later I noticed some unread emails in my computer. They turned out to be B's complaint to the chair regarding the accommodation task to be my job and not hers. This came as a shock to me, because B forwarded her complaint to the chair to my personal email account.
During that week, I felt that A and B remained stationary in their attitudes toward me (one responded to me while the other ignored me). In my mind I felt a bit relieved, because at least there was some improvement. Since my parents were in Taiwan visiting, I left early on Thursday noon to enjoy the long weekend vacation with my family.
Before returning to my job, I felt a growing pang of dread Sunday night. Monday morning I discovered that my mentor moved my recruitment along: a job opening announcement was posted on the school's website (which is a required step in the procedure). My mentor and the chair had originally planned to announce the job, conduct the interview with two teachers and the chair herself, and hire me as soon as the procedure was over. Yet, things started to change Monday afternoon. Applications started coming in (which is normal), but as soon as my mentor came to the office to talk to me, A gave her a package, which turned out to be an application for the job opening by A's old colleague (who happened to work in my position and left before my mentor came on board). 'A' also asked some probing questions concerning interviewer members for the following day as well as questioned why certain teachers weren't invited. At that time, both my mentor and I sensed something wrong. Since the following day was interview day, my mentor asked me to come in around noon for the interview and forget about work for the day.
That night I prayed about this job. The more I prayed, the less peace I felt. In fact, I started feeling a drive to leave this job. Just as I started having these feelings, a trading firm called me to invite me to a job interview scheduled for the following day. This was too much of a coincidence. Hence, I prayed. The more I prayed, the more I felt that the school was not a place for me. Hence, before the interview, I talked to the chair about this and ask her not to feel any pressure to hire me or be bound by any sort of commitment to me.
When I arrived at the office, I noticed my other colleague (C), who has been friendly to me since day 1, looking at me with a rather awkward and embarrassed expression. I soon realized that it was because things changed drastically during the morning. Somehow colleagues A and B were able to pressurize the chair into openly inviting all faculty to serve as interviewers. Hence, three extra professors appeared for the interview, two of which are very close to A and B.
During the interview, I realized that these two professors asked rather unfriendly questions, some of which were sarcastic, sour, or implicitly accused the chair, my mentor, and I. The interview felt like a tug of war between two sides: the two professors who are VERY friendly with A and B and the three original interviewers.
As soon as the interview was over, my mentor told me that she would call me as soon as a decision was made. From her look, I knew that something was wrong. After I left, my mentor called me to ask me where I placed the resumes of the other three applicants who were not invited to the interview. Some time later, after a number of calls back and forth the office, my mentor and the chair told me that a meeting was held and a tie resulted between me and the old colleague. Since the chair did not vote, all professors present asked her to make the decision regarding who to hire. The chair told me she wanted to hire me, but since she knew about my prayers, she told me not to feel pressure and think about it through the weekend. Although it's a bit premature to make any decision, I am rather inclined to seek employment elsewhere, which I will not tell the office before this weekend (which is a work weekend).
Today, when I went to work, I noticed colleagues A and B's growing unfriendliness toward me. In fact, as soon as I walked into the office, I saw a very unhappy and shocked look from A. All morning today, none of them (A, B, and C) talked to me nor responded to my questions. Actually, B did respond to one question but in a whisper accompanied by a disgusted tone. When a professor came in, one which I guess is close to B, and inquired A about the person filling in for my mentor, A purposedly responded loudly that she didn't know because the situation was too awkward. I literally felt all eyes in the office fall on me. In a sense, I felt that my colleagues were building an army of professors against me.
When I left to see my parents off in the airport, colleague C caught up with me at the elevators. I was surprised that she talked to me. In fact, that was the first real conversation I had with anyone in the office. I realized that C is a friendly person, who feels pressure about befriending a common enemy of A and B (me) due to her recent arrival at her current position. In a sense, she felt a pressure to alienate me in order to fit in at the office. Well, I don't blame her. Even the students working part-time at the office are doing the same thing toward me.
What will happen tomorrow, Friday, or the long weekend I am not sure. I cannot even imagine it. All I can say is that I place my future in God's hands and may God lead me and the entire office. May His blessings rain down on the chair, my mentor, the office, the faculty, and me. I finally understand what it feels like to feel blind about one's future. I can only rely on God now and trust that He will lead the way and that the path He has prepared for me is the best. God help me!
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