Leave?

Never had I imagined that I would feel so depressed about church. In my mind, church, or actually fellowship, has always been a home away from home. At times I feel more at home in fellowship than with my family. However, after this incident with my job and three accummulated talks with my shepherds from fellowship, I feel completely heartbroken. For the first time ever, I feel a sense of doom and despair when I think about fellowship, church, and them. My heart is no longer with them and every day I find myself dreading the thought of talking to them or seeing them. I want to leave. I've lost my faith in this group.

In two short weeks, I've witnessed firsthand how powerful and harmful human words can be. I've been hurt by what they said, and I know for a fact that they've been hurt from what I've said as well. I can no longer picture myself working with them. I ask for their forgiveness but I do not want to explain myself. I refuse to have my motives questioned. I do not want to waste any energy defending myself or debating my actions. To do so is simply futile.

I guess I'm simply disappointed at the fact that I am not trusted. I'm disappointed at the fact that they assume my words were meant to harm them and accuse them. I'm disappointed at the fact that my character has been placed in doubt. It hurts to hear them imply that I tried to spread rumors and cause a rift between them and other sisters. It hurts to be implicated like that. It hurts to realize that I'm not trusted. It hurts so much no words or actions can undo what has been said. I'm disappointed that the home I thought I once had is gone. It hurts to realize that such small actions from people you care is more fatal than elaborate plans of attack from strangers or enemies. After all this, I realize that all I want is just to leave.