主！

主！我好糟、好不配祢的愛
祢用恩典環繞我，我卻逃避祢
主！願祢興旺，我衰微
讓我停止我的任性
停止我的自我中心
停止跟你拔河
讓我完全完全降服於祢
求祢奪走我心意
讓我單單思想祢
讓我不依靠自己的力量行事
我願凡事完全信靠祢
相信祢必引領我
就算我必須面對內心最深處的黑暗
我仍知道祢必領我度過死蔭的幽谷
主，我曾用盡自己的力量逃避
不願意面對祢要給我的改變
我心仍害怕、擔憂
但是我知道若祢要改變，誰能阻擋呢？
求祢來改變
求祢堅固我的信心
讓我單單倚靠祢
單單堅定在祢裡面
主！我不要再跟祢拔河了
主！我願意順服
主！教我安靜

Anger, disappointment

Today I attended a so-called ceremony for the opening of the student club center in NCCU. I was asked to "socialize" and yeah, I got pissed. I didn't know that this ceremony was going to be eating and socializing. But, what pissed me off was not the ceremony itself but her statement that we came to socialize. She thinks I'm angry because of reality not being as I expected; well, that's because I still have to work on expressing myself in Chinese. I meant one thing, but I said this instead, so I'm to blame for that. No, I'm angry at the fact that I have to do what I hate. I'm angry at the fact that I'm the oddball out, the only grad student still into clubs. I was willing to attend because I assumed attendance will not bring any attention onto myself. To me, attending was simply showing up, listening, taking notes, and leave. Interaction with other people is nowhere in my picture. So, yeah, I was overwhelmed; I was afraid; that fear became anger.

Afterwards when we left, we talked outside her office. She told me that serving God meant being able to be in all situations, including those we hate, i.e. including socialization. Knowing that doesn't help at all. Knowing that does not decrease my anger, it simply fuels my frustration. It simply sophocates my resolve to follow Jesus. I hate that I have to face my fears. Ever since I met Jesus, I'm being continuously forced to face and deal with my fears, pains, anger, hate, etc. The list is too long. To put it shortly, Jesus makes me face what I buried all my life. Things I want to keep buried, Jesus digs them out. So, I know that today did not happen by chance. I know that Jesus is digging another dead body out from my past. I can't socialize. I can't talk to strangers. I avoid talking to people, even people I know, if I can help it. I don't like to not be alone. That's me. That's how I live. That's how I survive. But, damn! I dread facing that, I dread changing this. I can't change this. Talking to people, strangers, is painful. It's a torture. God, why are you forcing me to face this? Life is great alone!

In this journey of knowing You, I feel beat. I really do. I don't have the energy to continue much longer. My world is turned upside down. I want to be close to you, but that requires you demolishing my walls. But my walls are my safety nets and comfort zones. Those are the things that keep me standing and keep me breathing. I feel so tired. Trying to fight you off is useless, but I have to. I guess, this is the only way of survival I know. So I have to fight. I know this is a battle I will ultimately lose, but I can't give up. I don't know how to live in any other way. I've prayed for me to surrender my will, but I don't know how to. I know I'm a disappointment to You. I know that I'm terrible to deal with. I'm sorry Jesus, but I don't know how to surrender. Teach me. I don't want to fight You all my life. I don't want to run from serving You. Being a grad student is not an excuse for following You. It should be the reason for being Your servant. You gave me all this, what reason do I have to not use what You gave me to follow You. I hate socializing, but I ask You to help me socialize when it's necessary to further Your will. It's so hard. So, so hard.

I feel disappointed. So disappointed. At myself. Just disappointed. Shit! I hate myself!

主，我願意

經歷這麼多高山低谷
只能說神掌權
無論景況如何，祂絕不離開、絕不放棄
信主越久越發現自己真的沒有什麼可誇的
一切一切都是神的恩典
能夠站立、能夠呼吸、能夠感覺
能夠聽、能夠看、能夠說
全都是神的恩典憐憫
一個如此不配的人卻能夠得到最寶貴的禮物
只能說，好大好大的恩典
所以我知道並立志：
耶穌，我願意完全降服於祢
主，我願意
主，祢是唯一
我被造是為了要敬拜祢！
我活著是為了要讚美祢！
我要用我全心全人，一生讚美祢！

A new stage

玉芬姐說what I'm going through is a new stage in my 靈程.
I understand it and I accept it, but I don't know how I'm going to hang on.
It's going to be tough.
I try to erect barriers to keep people out of my private world.
My barriers are big and thick.
Yet, 玉芬姐says that to become a shepherd, which is what serving God requires, I have to open myself up. I have to open my life. I have to use my life to influence others. Other people are going to want to become close to me. But that is my problem. I don't want to be close to anyone. I can't become close with anyone. I guess that's the lifestyle I've carved out for myself.
This is going to be a long process for me. Very, very long.

我怎麼了

我還是沒好
我以為事情都過去了
我以為我好一點了
體力恢復了、心情好多了
應該已經重新得力了
但是今天禱告會的時候我發現我非常抗拒
我不是抗拒禱告
我自己會跟神禱告
但是我抗拒這個團契
我抗拒跟弟兄姊妹講話
我不想要提出代禱事項
我不想要太接近大家
坐的太近我全身不舒服
禱告聽到自己的名字很不舒服、很不高興
我唱不出詩歌
我無力、我厭倦、我不知道該怎麼辦
我不想分享出來
我不要被關心、被幫忙，被他們「愛」我很不舒服
我發現我已經不信任他們了
我不想讓大家知道我的事，我完全不想分享
從敦翔說我把團契當成上班打卡後，這個團契對我已經不一樣了
即使這句話只是一個人說的，但是我的封閉卻是針對所有的弟兄姊妹
也許這樣很不公平，但是我發現我只是想保護自己
我變的超級敏感，任何一句話好像都會傷到我
我只能憑直覺離開讓我覺得不舒服的環境
這樣下去，我連去團契聚會都會有問題
怎麼辦？我到底怎麼了？

服事好難

服事好難
為什麼服事總是會受傷？
不管是弟兄姊妹、身邊的人或是一些不相干的人都會傷害你
服事好難
被說我把團契當成上下班打卡
真的很痛很痛
我好累，我不要在為自己解釋了
我不想再說了
算了，我不期待任何人瞭解我，我也不想去瞭解人了

要自己跨過好難

當我失去動力，好想哭的時候
我發現我不瞭解，不瞭解為什麼這次會這樣
為什麼這次服事後會這樣？
我不想因為這次這樣，以後就對服事怯步
這次流了好多眼淚
有為這次的空虛流，也有為過去的痛流
不知道為什麼，過去的畫面都浮現在腦海裡
在多明尼加不好的回憶、過去的行為模式、姊妹的傷害
這些都一一的回來了
流了好多眼淚...
但是我有比較好嗎？
我好懷疑，大家都說流眼淚很好
但是我討厭流眼淚，我討厭痛的感覺
我討厭無助，我討厭空虛
這就是我的tragic flaw嗎？
我想呼求耶穌，但是我發現我真的很無力
我不知道為什麼神要使用我
我沒有能力，為什麼要使用我？
我只會把事情搞砸
主！我好負面
幫助我重新得力
幫助我信靠祢
幫助我緊緊抓住祢
幫助我走過去
幫助我開口
幫助我跟隨祢
幫助我倚靠祢
幫助我交托
幫助我
我還沒想到的祢都幫助我

原來還是過去好

這次服事後，我真的不知道我怎麼了
為什麼服事的時候好高興
服事一結束一瞬間覺得好空虛
我不知道我在作什麼
但是我清楚的感覺到我已經沒有動力服事下去了
一想到小小的服事我就覺得快被壓垮
我好無力
想到服事就想哭
我不知道該怎麼辦
不服事？這不是神要的
可是我又要怎麼服事呢？我已經沒力氣了
我不知道為什麼信主以後我變的這麼敏感
以前我可以控制自己不被別人影響
但是現在一個眼光，一個字就可以讓我受傷
我怎麼了？
不知不覺我又開始跟神求
求神讓我沒有情緒，我不要有任何感覺
我寧願全身都是刺，我不要再痛了
以前我不求別人瞭解我，但信主後我會因為被誤會而不舒服
我在意別人的偏見，我...
我已經不是以前的我了
我好想回到過去
那個不會受傷的自己好好
我想回到冷冰冰的自己，不管別人就不會受傷
一輩子一個人，好好保護自己
我要回到過去的自己，好好的把自己封起來
誰也別想在傷我
我要除掉我所有的情緒，我不要有任何感覺
主，原諒我
我已經走不下去了