Anger, disappointment

Today I attended a so-called ceremony for the opening of the student club center in NCCU. I was asked to "socialize" and yeah, I got pissed. I didn't know that this ceremony was going to be eating and socializing. But, what pissed me off was not the ceremony itself but her statement that we came to socialize. She thinks I'm angry because of reality not being as I expected; well, that's because I still have to work on expressing myself in Chinese. I meant one thing, but I said this instead, so I'm to blame for that. No, I'm angry at the fact that I have to do what I hate. I'm angry at the fact that I'm the oddball out, the only grad student still into clubs. I was willing to attend because I assumed attendance will not bring any attention onto myself. To me, attending was simply showing up, listening, taking notes, and leave. Interaction with other people is nowhere in my picture. So, yeah, I was overwhelmed; I was afraid; that fear became anger.

Afterwards when we left, we talked outside her office. She told me that serving God meant being able to be in all situations, including those we hate, i.e. including socialization. Knowing that doesn't help at all. Knowing that does not decrease my anger, it simply fuels my frustration. It simply sophocates my resolve to follow Jesus. I hate that I have to face my fears. Ever since I met Jesus, I'm being continuously forced to face and deal with my fears, pains, anger, hate, etc. The list is too long. To put it shortly, Jesus makes me face what I buried all my life. Things I want to keep buried, Jesus digs them out. So, I know that today did not happen by chance. I know that Jesus is digging another dead body out from my past. I can't socialize. I can't talk to strangers. I avoid talking to people, even people I know, if I can help it. I don't like to not be alone. That's me. That's how I live. That's how I survive. But, damn! I dread facing that, I dread changing this. I can't change this. Talking to people, strangers, is painful. It's a torture. God, why are you forcing me to face this? Life is great alone!

In this journey of knowing You, I feel beat. I really do. I don't have the energy to continue much longer. My world is turned upside down. I want to be close to you, but that requires you demolishing my walls. But my walls are my safety nets and comfort zones. Those are the things that keep me standing and keep me breathing. I feel so tired. Trying to fight you off is useless, but I have to. I guess, this is the only way of survival I know. So I have to fight. I know this is a battle I will ultimately lose, but I can't give up. I don't know how to live in any other way. I've prayed for me to surrender my will, but I don't know how to. I know I'm a disappointment to You. I know that I'm terrible to deal with. I'm sorry Jesus, but I don't know how to surrender. Teach me. I don't want to fight You all my life. I don't want to run from serving You. Being a grad student is not an excuse for following You. It should be the reason for being Your servant. You gave me all this, what reason do I have to not use what You gave me to follow You. I hate socializing, but I ask You to help me socialize when it's necessary to further Your will. It's so hard. So, so hard.

I feel disappointed. So disappointed. At myself. Just disappointed. Shit! I hate myself!