Tomorrow is a new day. It will be my first day of work in a new company with a new group of people. To be honest, I am very nervous. I've always been nervous about going into new environments. So, I guess my "shyness" and my not-so-good interpersonal skills seem to intensify my nervousness. Apart from that, my previous work experience in which I witnessed the darkness of human nature and my failure to cope in that environment is haunting me. In a sense, I believe that what I experienced in my previous job exists in every work environment. Hence, a part of me is in fear of what to expect tomorrow. I guess I just have to tough up, grow up, accept it, and deal with it.
Since my last job, I've been feeling a bit lost. I don't know what God has prepared for me and I do not have the slightest clue whether I'm walking on the path He has prepared for me. This new job entered my life when I was starting to question my last job. At the time I thought that God was opening up a new way for me. Yet, to be completely honest, I am not sure. Part of me thinks that God will use me to serve Him and all that is happening to me now (all the jobs, interpersonal experiences, etc.) are tasks He placed in my life to prepare me. However, I am weak. My last job and all the commotion that happened afterwards have debilitated my soul and spirit. My faith is at its lowest point. I'm in the desert. I feel lost. Everytime I pray, I am in want of words.
In retrospect, I realize that I do not know how to rely on God. Everytime I encounter a challenge, I rationally think that I can and should rely on God, but instinct and 老我 take over rendering all reason and belief futile. I realize I do not know how to depend on God; I do not know how to surrender myself. This is a homework I have not yet learned, but desperately need to.
Today, I ask God to teach me this homework and to show me how to surrender myself and rely on Him. I know there are hardships, trials, and tribulations ahead of me. So I ask God to help me and be my shelter. Whenever I feel lost and defeated, I only ask for God's love and mercy. I need God to lift up my spirit and my soul. Whatever I encounter, all I ask is not to lose faith! 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." Yes, God has provided a way out for me. In this new job, I want to have His perspective. In this job, I know God will equip me to be a better servant. Though there will be suffering, I ask for strength and faith to be still and preservere because "we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." (Romans 5:3-5)
I am nothing without God. I ask for strength to live on everyday for everyday is His day!
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