Lately I've been asking myself, how do I serve the Lord? How do I follow Him? I know from my two past short "work experiences" that I lose sight of God easily. I know that I a easily swayed and distracted by worldly things: success, failure, self-esteem, goals, interpersonal relationships, acclaim, appreciation, acknowledgement, comparison, experience, attractiveness, acceptance, popularity, workload, etc. Even though I may want to devote myself to God, a part of me is fearful that such a devotion will be shortlived and overwhelmed by worldly distractions. I am afraid that my faith is weak. That fear is holding me back from moving forward. That fear is keeping me from growing and stepping out of my comfort zone. The idea of stepping out my comfort zone is daunting enough for me to lose sight of the Lord. I need to shake the habit of relying on myself whenever I am in distress. If I relied on the Lord instead, I would not have to rely on myself and I would not have to veer off into the worldly path, because that's normally where I end up whenever I rely on myself.
Tomorrow I have a job interview. I do not know whether this is the job God has prepared for me. The fact that I do not know adds so much anxiety to my life right now. I feel that I am stuck in a state of despair and uselessness. If tomorrow's interview is not the job God has prepared for me, I feel hopeless. I do not know where to go after this. I do not know how to find a job, because I honestly feel useless at this point. However, the ironic thing is that if tomorrow's interview is the job God has prepared for me, I am in fear. I am afraid of change and of new environments. So, if that is the job God has prepared for me, I am afraid because it is a new environment with new dynamics and new relationships to learn and form. This is ironic because I am afraid that tomorrow's interview may not be the job God has prepared for me, but I am also afraid because tomorrow's interview may in fact be the job God has prepared for me. I want it to be the job God has prepared for me, but I also do not want it to be the job God has prepared for me. Why am I such a coward? Why am I afraid of change? Life is full of change. Wherever I go, there will be change. Why can't I shake this fear?
Jesus, I need you! I need strength! I want to rid myself of this fear. I want to grow in Your grace and mercy! I want to enter into a new stage of my life. I want to discard my old self and grow into my new self. I want to embrace change. I want to presevere from this fear of change. I want to overcome this fear. I want to change. I know change will bring healing! Whatever tomorrow's outcome is, I know it is the beginning to a new change. Wherever I go from here on, I want to be deeply rooted in the Lord! When challenges appear and when hardships come, I do not want to rely on myself or be swayed by my own emotions. I want to be guided by the Lord. I want to rely on the Lord. I want to be silent and listen to the Lord. I do not want to be overwhelmed by my own fear and by my incessant moans of fear. I want to be silent and wait upon the Lord! This is something I want to learn everyday! I don't want my life as a Christian to be someone who believes in Jesus but does nothing to reflect it, I want my life as a Christian to be active surrendering of myself to the Lord! I want Christ to be the authority of my life, the captain of this ship!
Thursday, November 27, 2008
Wednesday, November 05, 2008
Faith
Recent events in relation to job search has shaken and re-built my faith. This week I went to a new job thinking that this was the job God has prepared for me. Yet, I soon realized there were some contractual issues and differences of opinions and mindsets that made a longterm working relationship somewhat impossible. After consulting with my fellowship shepherd, I decided to discontinue my service in the company after only one day of employment. This came as an awful shock to me because I literally felt like a deserter. Monday night, after my first day of work, I prayed to God all through the night. During the entire process I really struggled. The night before, I had just told God that I will rely on Him and endure all hardships ahead of me, yet 24 hours later I was asking God whether I should leave. I really felt defeated and disappointed at myself.
After a few hours of prayer and more hours of tossing and turning in bed, God reminded me of a promise I made to Him roughly a year ago in Korea. I told God that I will follow Him, serve Him, and even bleed for Him. Yet, the fresh memories I have about my last employment (or what turned out to be a part-time job) starkly contrasted my promise to Him. Relative to the struggles I will face if I am to be His servant, the hardships of my last job though small in comparison, demolished me completely, because I did not rely on God in the most crucial moments. Instead, I pushed myself into the desert where I discovered my all time spiritual low. This reminder tore down my facade of independence and strength. In the wee hours of the morning, I came to God and repented my sins. Sins that consisted of my unwillingness to surrender to Him, rely on Him, or admit Him as my God of my life. By breaking down in front of God, he rebuilt me by giving me newfound spiritual awareness and strength. It was then that I returned to God. I finally admitted (for the first time in my life, though perhaps not the first time in my subconscious) that I am weak and that I am not an island. At that point I once again realized the meaning of my life lies in God. Around 4 or 5 a.m. God once again reminded me of the calling He placed in front of me: to "go and make disciples of all nations," 海外宣教, and 服事, 全職服事. I will serve Him! I will serve Him with all my life and all my heart!
Honestly, I fear whatever lies ahead of me. My future is a blur to me. I have no idea where I will be tomorrow or next month or next year. Everything ahead of me is uncertain. And, that scares me. I'm afraid of the decisions I will make or will not make. All I can do is place all of this in God's hand. It seems that I've made it a habit to rush ahead of God rather than waiting upon Him and allow Him to guide me. I've always been impatient and hence, I've never really waited for or upon Him. Henceforth, I will try to be still and wait. Even though, I have financial pressures that drive me to urgently seek employment, I will bring all my fears and concerns to God and have Him lead me because any decision I make on my own seems be throw me onto a path that God has not opened up for me. Therefore, everytime that path closes, I feel defeat, disappointment, and pain. I'm going to stop rushing ahead of God and do what He wants me to do! Whatever I do in the future, I will center my life around God. I will serve Him! I will serve Him all my life!
After a few hours of prayer and more hours of tossing and turning in bed, God reminded me of a promise I made to Him roughly a year ago in Korea. I told God that I will follow Him, serve Him, and even bleed for Him. Yet, the fresh memories I have about my last employment (or what turned out to be a part-time job) starkly contrasted my promise to Him. Relative to the struggles I will face if I am to be His servant, the hardships of my last job though small in comparison, demolished me completely, because I did not rely on God in the most crucial moments. Instead, I pushed myself into the desert where I discovered my all time spiritual low. This reminder tore down my facade of independence and strength. In the wee hours of the morning, I came to God and repented my sins. Sins that consisted of my unwillingness to surrender to Him, rely on Him, or admit Him as my God of my life. By breaking down in front of God, he rebuilt me by giving me newfound spiritual awareness and strength. It was then that I returned to God. I finally admitted (for the first time in my life, though perhaps not the first time in my subconscious) that I am weak and that I am not an island. At that point I once again realized the meaning of my life lies in God. Around 4 or 5 a.m. God once again reminded me of the calling He placed in front of me: to "go and make disciples of all nations," 海外宣教, and 服事, 全職服事. I will serve Him! I will serve Him with all my life and all my heart!
Honestly, I fear whatever lies ahead of me. My future is a blur to me. I have no idea where I will be tomorrow or next month or next year. Everything ahead of me is uncertain. And, that scares me. I'm afraid of the decisions I will make or will not make. All I can do is place all of this in God's hand. It seems that I've made it a habit to rush ahead of God rather than waiting upon Him and allow Him to guide me. I've always been impatient and hence, I've never really waited for or upon Him. Henceforth, I will try to be still and wait. Even though, I have financial pressures that drive me to urgently seek employment, I will bring all my fears and concerns to God and have Him lead me because any decision I make on my own seems be throw me onto a path that God has not opened up for me. Therefore, everytime that path closes, I feel defeat, disappointment, and pain. I'm going to stop rushing ahead of God and do what He wants me to do! Whatever I do in the future, I will center my life around God. I will serve Him! I will serve Him all my life!
Sunday, November 02, 2008
What lies ahead
Tomorrow is a new day. It will be my first day of work in a new company with a new group of people. To be honest, I am very nervous. I've always been nervous about going into new environments. So, I guess my "shyness" and my not-so-good interpersonal skills seem to intensify my nervousness. Apart from that, my previous work experience in which I witnessed the darkness of human nature and my failure to cope in that environment is haunting me. In a sense, I believe that what I experienced in my previous job exists in every work environment. Hence, a part of me is in fear of what to expect tomorrow. I guess I just have to tough up, grow up, accept it, and deal with it.
Since my last job, I've been feeling a bit lost. I don't know what God has prepared for me and I do not have the slightest clue whether I'm walking on the path He has prepared for me. This new job entered my life when I was starting to question my last job. At the time I thought that God was opening up a new way for me. Yet, to be completely honest, I am not sure. Part of me thinks that God will use me to serve Him and all that is happening to me now (all the jobs, interpersonal experiences, etc.) are tasks He placed in my life to prepare me. However, I am weak. My last job and all the commotion that happened afterwards have debilitated my soul and spirit. My faith is at its lowest point. I'm in the desert. I feel lost. Everytime I pray, I am in want of words.
In retrospect, I realize that I do not know how to rely on God. Everytime I encounter a challenge, I rationally think that I can and should rely on God, but instinct and 老我 take over rendering all reason and belief futile. I realize I do not know how to depend on God; I do not know how to surrender myself. This is a homework I have not yet learned, but desperately need to.
Today, I ask God to teach me this homework and to show me how to surrender myself and rely on Him. I know there are hardships, trials, and tribulations ahead of me. So I ask God to help me and be my shelter. Whenever I feel lost and defeated, I only ask for God's love and mercy. I need God to lift up my spirit and my soul. Whatever I encounter, all I ask is not to lose faith! 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." Yes, God has provided a way out for me. In this new job, I want to have His perspective. In this job, I know God will equip me to be a better servant. Though there will be suffering, I ask for strength and faith to be still and preservere because "we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." (Romans 5:3-5)
I am nothing without God. I ask for strength to live on everyday for everyday is His day!
Since my last job, I've been feeling a bit lost. I don't know what God has prepared for me and I do not have the slightest clue whether I'm walking on the path He has prepared for me. This new job entered my life when I was starting to question my last job. At the time I thought that God was opening up a new way for me. Yet, to be completely honest, I am not sure. Part of me thinks that God will use me to serve Him and all that is happening to me now (all the jobs, interpersonal experiences, etc.) are tasks He placed in my life to prepare me. However, I am weak. My last job and all the commotion that happened afterwards have debilitated my soul and spirit. My faith is at its lowest point. I'm in the desert. I feel lost. Everytime I pray, I am in want of words.
In retrospect, I realize that I do not know how to rely on God. Everytime I encounter a challenge, I rationally think that I can and should rely on God, but instinct and 老我 take over rendering all reason and belief futile. I realize I do not know how to depend on God; I do not know how to surrender myself. This is a homework I have not yet learned, but desperately need to.
Today, I ask God to teach me this homework and to show me how to surrender myself and rely on Him. I know there are hardships, trials, and tribulations ahead of me. So I ask God to help me and be my shelter. Whenever I feel lost and defeated, I only ask for God's love and mercy. I need God to lift up my spirit and my soul. Whatever I encounter, all I ask is not to lose faith! 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." Yes, God has provided a way out for me. In this new job, I want to have His perspective. In this job, I know God will equip me to be a better servant. Though there will be suffering, I ask for strength and faith to be still and preservere because "we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." (Romans 5:3-5)
I am nothing without God. I ask for strength to live on everyday for everyday is His day!
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