Ethics class

I was kind of disappointed at the Ethics class today. I guess I was hoping to get some questions answered, but after two hours I realized that this course will not do that. I guess my question or my dilemma of right and wrong under Biblical standards and worldly standards is perplexing me more than ever. I want answers or guidelines that tell me what to think or feel (so as to guide my actions) in circumstances when the Bible says "A" but the world says "-A". When these two standards contradict, I want to know what to do. Also, I want to know the adequacy of my emotions in circumstances of people wronging me and my not being able to forgive them or love them as stated by the Bible. I feel that I'm torn by two sets of standards. I've always avoided conflicts by remaining loyal to my identity of an indifferent student, but the more contact I have with the world, of with Business in general, the more obvious this problem becomes. What standard is right? How should I mitigate the two? I want to surrender to God's will but how do I do that when the world does the glaring opposite? Should I stick to God and become alienated or should I blatantly excuse God and follow the world? I want the former, but at times I feel the latter is unavoidable. I thought my questions could be answered or at least hinted by this Ethics course, but I guess I was being naive. Only God can answer my questions, but I just don't seem to be having a working antenna to receive them. Right now, I'm uncertain as to whether I should continue taking this class. I'm actually afraid that the discussions during class will guide me down the path I feel is inadequate (in the Biblical sense). This situation is not good.

epiphany

來這邊，神給我充分的休息時間，安靜的時間。在這些日子裡我潛意識一直覺得哪裡怪怪的，但總是抽象的說不上來。一直到今天我才發現我離神好遠。原來所謂怪怪的感覺就是我跟神的距離拉大了，不知不覺我又開始躲著神。為什麼呢？回頭一看，我才發現神帶我來美國要面對的就是我生命的態度。

我一直不敢對自己承認，我看不起自己，當我不斷的用世人的眼光來衡量我自己，我總會得到同一個結論，那就是「李宜帆，你很爛」。我發現即時我認識神了，即時我認識神的愛、神的恩典了，我仍然抓住主權，我不願意放手，因為我不敢認輸。原來這些年來每次我遇到挫折，我總是咬緊牙，靠著自己的力量爬起來，我不向人開口求救，我不伸手請人幫忙，因為我不願意任何人看到我軟弱的一面，我不願意承認我輸了，所以每次我都會自己硬著頭皮度過難關，再黑暗、再痛苦的難關我都躲起來，堅持一個人過。等到事情結束後，才回到大家的面前裝作什麼都沒發生過。不知道從什麼時候開始，這已經變成我的自然反應了：我不向人求救，不請求別人的幫助，我也不再知道什麼是依靠朋友。我一直以為神例外，神是我的避難所，是我傾訴的對象，但是今天我發現我在騙自己。難關出現時，我一樣硬著頭皮一個人闖，我的自然反應完全控制了我，困難來時，我從來沒想過要禱告，我只會告訴自己咬緊牙，忍一忍，拼一拼，撐下去，事情很快就會結束的。原來我把神當成一個口號，當我需要祂時，我沒有想到要去找祂。難道在神的面前我也在逞強嗎？

我好想放手不再ㄍㄧㄥ了，但是我不敢也不知道要怎麼放手，因為信任好難。即時神給過我那麼多應許，那麼多確據，我還是懷疑，因為我不敢相信，不願相信，神的愛是無條件的。好矛盾！我清楚的知道真理上神的愛確實是無條件的，但是應用到我身上時，我就充滿了懷疑。神總是用很大的棒子敲醒我，但醒了沒多久，我又回到原來的光景，我對神的信心總是好短暫。我的靈命總是高低起伏的曲線。我對自己真的累了。這總逞強的生活好累，但是我要怎麼放手呢？

來美國，我不像之前有那麼多的服事，所以我發現原來我一直不知道怎麼親近神，只好透過服事跟神維持contact；以前任何的非課業時間總是拿來服事神，現在課業不像之前那麼重，又沒有服事，時間多的是，我發現我好徬徨，我跟神的關係好像沒有根基，我覺得我站在空氣上，一直往下掉，我陷入一總無助的狀態裡。跟神的關係也這樣一天一天的倒退。

當我軟弱時，我總希望可以有個人可以讓我到垃圾，為我禱告，但是同時我又為自己立了好多界線，即時有這個人，實際上的我完全無法把我的軟弱說出口。雖然我渴望有個屬靈同伴，也跟神求過了，但是我同時希望神不要為我預備這個人，因為我習慣把自己封閉起來。世人看到的我，只是他們期待看到的我；那神呢？我跟神的關係裡，我是不是試圖扮演我覺得神想看到的我？我知道在神的面前，祂把我看的一清二楚的，最看不清我的人就是我自己。也許神要我停止，也許祂要我放下所有的面具，面對自己。如果真的是這樣，知道歸知道，但我又要怎麼做到呢？這是我最大的問題。我很笨，神常常要我作的我都知道我應該要去作，但是我就是不知道要怎麼作。我需要神的帶領，但是我不知道要怎麼被帶領。

來到美國，神把我過去很多埋在心裡深處的情緒都挖出來了。我發現原來我還會渴望，我還會作夢。但是這一切都一一的被理性的我再度否定，也許我預知這些夢帶來的只會是失望，所以我學習不允許自己作夢吧。我發現我心裡好多抱怨，好多憤怒。原來我都沒有交給神，我還是老樣子的自己處理。為什麼我這麼不放心將主權交給神呢？我不斷的告訴自己要將主權交給神，我也曾經以為我已經交給神了，但是今天我才發現我在騙自己，我就是這麼的不信任人以致於我也不知道怎麼信任神。每次神給我應許，我都以為我可以完全的信靠神了，但是過了一些日子後，我發現我的老我依舊，我還是把主權收回來了。我覺得我好失敗，好不配神的愛。我常想，如果我是神，我早就對我放棄了。

這些都是神帶我來美國後，我才認識到的。原來我這麼不瞭解自己，我的生命早就充滿了潛意識裡無數的自然反應，這世界上最瞭解我的只有神。雖然現在的我很討厭自己的軟弱，雖然我覺得現在我跟神的關係是我自食惡果，但是我還是很感恩，因為若不是神愛我，祂不會帶我來美國，也不會給我這個機會認識自己。我要學習被神帶領，因為只有神可以拆除我心裡無數的界線高牆，只有神知道為什麼我選擇冷漠，只有神能幫我找到答案，只有神能改變我。

Update

時間過得好快，再兩個禮拜Module 1就要結束了。雖然這裡的課比企研輕鬆，但是因為一學期的份量必須在一個半月內趕完，所以步調比較快，現在台灣才剛開學，但我已經在趕期末報告和準備期末考了。

來了這裡之後，我發現我雖然住過不同的國家，但是我在每個地方都會去尋找一些熟悉的事物，進行一些熟悉的動作。所以來到Gainesville，我很習慣的就跟在台灣一樣喜歡晚上去運動，這樣不但能發洩壓力，更是能享受獨處、盡情的想事情。現在，我每天最期待的就是晚上去Fitness Center運動。感謝主！每天能夠去運動好享受！神的恩典好美！好棒！

Por fin entiendo

Dios, si me pidieras el mundo, te lo daria
Si me pidieras mi vida, te lo daria
Pero porque cuando me pides un dia de total atencion, no lo puedo dar?
Hay demasiadas cosas en este mundo que captivan mi atencion, aunque quiero concentrar solamente en Ti, no se como hacerlo. Por fin entiendo que significa la frase "aunque quisiera, no pudiera". Ahora no se come dedicar mi vida para Ti pero quiero aprender como amarte con toda mi vida y con toda mi atencion!

原來我不懂什麼是榮耀神

今天我發現我身上好多需要被神調整的地方
最需要被神開刀的就是我的心態吧...
今天老師發考卷，分數很高，我非常感謝主！
但是當同學問我的時候，我並不敢說我的成績多少
因為我很怕我自己驕傲起來
跟這個同學ㄠ很久之後，我終於還是告訴他我的成績
他聽到的第一個回應是：「你榮耀你的神啦」
我聽到時彷彿被敲醒
我口口聲聲說要將榮耀歸給神
但是我的行為竟然沒有將神當得的榮耀歸給祂
反而是將神的榮耀藏起來了
主，赦免孩子，改變孩子，讓孩子所做的一切都是從祢出發
讓孩子有祢的榮形，叫孩子所做的一切是大膽宣講祢的！
讓孩子不再把燈放在斗底下，而是要拿出來叫身旁的人都看見亮光！

心中有神就是幸福

今天發現原來心中的幸福、心中的甜蜜、心中的微笑都是因為神

在各地見證祢

For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love
I'll be a witness in the silences when words are not enough
With every breath I take I will give thanks to God above
For as long as I shall live
I will testify to love

當世界混亂、當人心迷惘、當盼望消失，主！你的子民要興起，要興起見證祢的愛！無論我們在哪裡，無論我們的職分為何，是學生，是老師，是醫生、是公務員，我們都要起來分享祢的愛。在耶穌的世代裡，從我們開始，使用我們在個個禾場播種、收割。我們要看到復興來到！

主，祝福學青在政大的事工！當孩子們在政大撒網時，我們要憑著信心將網撒在深處，我們要如門徒一樣拉起滿滿的網！主，懇求祢憐憫政大這些還沒認識祢的新生，使用我們成為他們生命的祝福，使用我們成為福音的出口。主，學青要在政大撒網，學青要得人如得魚！

放膽傳講祢！

主，願祢使用我成為影響生命的人
當同學跟我說我是他第一個認識的「認真」的基督徒時
主，懇求祢使用我的生命我的見證成為他的祝福
讓我被祢充滿，為著祢放膽分享我的見證，不去在乎人的眼光、疑問
單單傳講祢、單單定睛祢、單單倚靠祢、單單尋求祢

考試

考完試了～
雖然這是第一次開學後那麼快考期中考，內容也很多
但是心中有意外的平安
一開始我很擔心，我很怕成績不好，回政大不能抵
也擔心自己如果成績不好，會沒有見證
但是當我仰望神時，我發現神不是要我以我的完美主義及高標準去看待這次的考試
神要我改變眼光，祂要我在這次考試上不把焦點放在成績上
而是單單在這個過程中用「盡力」的心去榮耀祂
無論結果如何，重點不在於成績如何
而是我在學習上有沒有倚靠神，有沒有為神學習，有沒有學到神要我學的功課
神要我學習作任何事不以自己的角度出發，不用自己的標準衡量
而是用神的眼光看事情、看人、看世界
考試，不是要拿到我滿意的成績
而是在這件事上有沒有榮耀神！有沒有合神心意！
當我學習放開雙手，不再要求，不再逼自己要達到什麼標準時
我發現神的帶領很奇妙
這次的考試，量雖然很多
但是我卻發現當我將它卸下在神的面前時，它不再是重擔因為好輕省
無論這次結果如何，單單將榮耀歸給神！

新發現

我發現無論我多緊張、多焦慮、多不高興
只要看到以念的照片就會不停的微笑～
以念太可愛了！！！

更認識自己

這一趟來美國，我發現好多東西，我覺得我應該按照玉芬姐的建議，把這些感受記錄下來了，要不然以我的記憶力，肯定很快就被我忘掉了：

神帶我來美國，要讓我跟我的過去合好
第一步就是瞭解自己
來了這邊，我發現我不在像過去那麼忙碌，我有機會去「反省」，去思考、評估自己的行為
我發現我生活中很多像機器人般的自動化行為
我習慣的一些行為模式，似乎都是我的個性造成的
原來我已經被我的個性控制住了，以致於我也用我的個性限制神
這些玉芬姐在台灣時就有跟我提過了
那時我還想怎麼可能，我最清楚我的行為、我的想法
任何時間做出任何決定，我都是有意識的，我不可能不知不覺被自己的個性限制住
原來我錯了，我真的被自己的個性限制住，我被自己的個性制約了
經過一些探索，我發現我的個性是在人的期待和自己的害怕形成的
我的完美主義是來自成長環境中的同儕、家長、師長、陌生人的期待下形成的
我的界線是建立在自己的傷痕上，而我的獨立則是以上兩項的結果
原來我喜歡獨處是因為我想脫離人的期待，是因為我不想扮演任何角色，是因為我不想被瞭解
現在我才發現原來我對我自己也不瞭解
但是在我周遭的人卻把我看的一清二楚
寫到這，我發現我心中有個害怕的感覺，原來我害怕被瞭解，難怪我那麼愛就事論事，不喜歡談論人的關係或情感

發現了這些以後，我心中只有感恩
感謝神讓我更瞭解了我自己
感謝神讓我知道我身上有很多神要施工的地方
感謝神讓我發現我需要很多很多恩典、帶領
感謝神讓我心中滿有喜樂、盼望、期待
感謝神因為神好愛我，神與我同在
祂是以馬內利！

Gratitude

God is so persistent in His love for us that He forgives our sins and trespasses time after time! It is true that we comparmentalize our hearts in a manner that we allow God to enter into certain parts of our hearts while keeping other parts secret. We must let Christ's word dwell richly in our hearts, not just partially, but richly! Only when our hearts are richly and entirely filled by God's words do we know how to be thankful--we should be thankful to God in all the words we say and all the things we do. The Bible also says that being thankful is to filled by the Lord's spirit. Hence, our hearts is of utmost importance. We should let God's peace rule in our hearts!

失望？

也許我太高估自己了
其實我的信心沒有我想像的大
其實我太擔心福音的果效
我好像又跑在神的前面了
難道我忘記要交托嗎？
當我跟別人分享福音時
信或不信是聖靈的工作
但是我總是不知道要如何放手、交托
以致於我太擔心結果
慢慢的我開始不知道要如何分享了

之前我曾試著跟他分享，但是因環境限制沒有說完
幾分鐘前，我朋友再次問我我是如何信主的
我卻說不下去
是因為之前跟他分享的經驗，讓我覺得跟他分享不適合太直接嗎？
我認為他比較需要朋友佈道嗎？
但是這些會不會只是我的藉口呢？
是我信心太小嗎？
難道又是我的完美主義作祟？
為什麼我完美主義的個性對我的控制如此的大呢？
主，我不願我的個性成為祢恩典的限制！

"Football" Shock

美國跟台灣太不一樣了
這裡的人熱愛運動到一種瘋狂的境界
這學期到11月以前幾乎每一週都有一場Football比賽
比賽時可以看到約八萬人的一片藍橘的海
比賽前一天就可以看到遠從各地區來的球迷camp在校園內，準備觀賞隔天的球賽
比賽當天你可以在UF的每個角落看到一群一群的人搭起棚子開始他們的tailgate party（圖書館外面也有，所以在圖書館唸書一定聽的到他們的音樂）
而且他們每個人都穿著UF顏色的藍橘上衣，到處喊著「Go Gators!」
很多人開著貼有UF鱷魚標誌的汽車
他們使用的飾品、雜物也都是藍橘加鱷魚
比賽當天保證大塞車，學校會超級熱鬧，但是Gainesville其他地方絕對安靜
大家對Football和UF的支持和瘋狂在台灣絕對看不到

We Are The Reason

前年以珊姐、志成哥還在學青服事時，我從他們身上，我學到好多東西
最深刻的就是對人的愛與尊重從最簡單的智慧財產使用權做起
這麼簡單的事，但是在這個世代卻這麼難做到

前年聖誕節以珊姐跟我們分享「We Are The Reason」這首歌
看到他表演這首歌的默劇讓我非常感動
之後我就一直在台灣找這首歌的CD，但是一直找不到
到美國作的其中一件事就是找這首歌
感謝主！我終於找到了
雖然不是原唱，但是每次聽到這首歌，還是很感動

這首歌的歌詞很美，也是很大的提醒
我們是不是常常只要神的恩典、神蹟，卻不要神呢？
我們是不是常常得到恩典後便忘記神呢？
神太愛我們了，即使我們軟弱、背逆，祂從不停止愛我們！

WE ARE THE REASON

As little children we would dream of
Christmas morn
Of all the gifts and toys we knew we'd find
But we never
realized a baby born one blessed night
Gave us the greatest gift of our
lives

We were the reason that He gave His life
We were the reason
that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

As the years went by we learned more
about gifts
The giving of ourselves and what that means
On a dark and
cloudy day a man hung crying in the rain
All because of love
All because
of love

We were the reason that He gave His life
We were the reason
that He suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave all He could give
To show us the reason to live

I finally found the reason for living
It's in giving every part of my heart to Him (every part to Him)
And all
that I do every word that I say (you know I'll be saying)
I'll be giving my
all just for Him, for Him (every thing for Him)

We are the reason that
He gave His life
We are the reason that He suffered and died
To a world
that was lost He gave all He could give (all that he could give all)
To show
us the reason to live

He is the reason to live
(don't you know do
you know the reason
that he came, oh he came to save us
when he gave his
life for us) he suffered and died
To a world that was lost He gave
everything (everything that He had He gave)
To show us the reason to live

神好奇妙！

跟神的關係充滿驚喜！
神在我生命中放了好多奇妙，好多喜樂！
來了美國才發現原來四年沒聯絡的姊妹也在美國
更奇妙的是我們都想去同一個地方！
神真的很奇妙！
越認識神，我生命中越多驚嘆號！我越想發出讚美的聲音！
當我知道神的奇妙、神的愛、神的安排時
我覺得好溫暖，我覺得好幸福！
讓我如此喜樂的不是我有沒有得到我想要的，而是我在生命中的每個時刻都發現神看顧保守我的蹤跡！
其實我有沒有得到我想要的無所謂，我只要親近神，被神親近！
主！祢太奇妙了！祢好愛我！我好愛祢！

我是白癡...

長這麼大，我的神經還是那麼大條...從台灣帶了數位相機，也帶了傳輸線，但是忘記電腦是新買的，沒有安裝驅動程式。帶了相機和傳輸線也沒用 @@...

醫治過去

其實離開了台灣後，神給我安靜心的時間去思考很多東西。在離開台灣以前，神感動我要我知道這次來美國是神的帶領，神要我在美國這段時間面對我的過去，神說祂要醫治我的過去。當時我還在想，我的過去有什麼需要被醫治的？雖然我想不出來，但是我很清楚的知道，我過去的記憶裡有很大一塊是空白的。

之前神醫治我的時候，曾跟我說我處理過去傷痛的方式不對，祂要重新處理過，所以我一直以為神要醫治的過去是我因為傷痛而留下空白記憶的部分，但是最近我發現神要我面對的過去，不是很久以前的過去，而是我生命中的每個時刻，尤其是我認識祂之後的時刻。神要跟我建立生命上的關係、永恆的關係。

過去我服事神親近神、我因為跌到谷底禱告神親近神，如今神要我在安靜的時候親近祂。神要我學習時時刻刻親近祂，不是只有在爭戰的時候、暴風雨的時候才親近祂，神要我永遠在祂的懷裡、在祂的同在裡，神要我學習不跑開，不在像過去因為忙碌而忘記祂。

經過神的破碎，我知道當神要翻轉我的生命時並不好受，其實非常痛苦。當生命被神搖動後留下的只有震撼，只有敬畏，只有感恩。所以，雖然破碎、翻轉、醫治的過程不好受，但是我求神讓這些都臨到我，因為在這些之後是超乎想像的恩典、祝福。我要走神為我預備的道路！我要成為合神心意的人！

期中考

這是我有史以來開學後最快考期中考的一次
才剛開學三個禮拜而已，就要考期中考了 ＠_＠
唉，我唸不下書啊
下週三、四：第一次在美國考可怕的期中考
主，賜我力量、毅力、智慧！我要在學業上榮耀祢！！！

想要多親近神

來了美國，似乎有個感覺就是跟神連線的時間減少了？
不知道為什麼， 我總是很期待主日，因為崇拜時可以親近神好棒
或許是因為在這裡沒有服事，一週只有一次機會聚會
不像在台灣一週內幾乎每天都有聚會、禱告會、讀書會、同工會、主日崇拜等
所以每次主日，總覺得特別難得，總覺得要格外的珍惜
其實我好期待主日學快點開始
我好期待被神的話環繞

當我稍微陷入所謂的沒有目標的規律當中，我就知道我又軟弱了
我跟神又有距離了，我又開始為了自己活了
那種生活，是浪費生命，是殺時間，是浪費神的恩典
如果我做的一切事不是為神作就都沒有意義
如果我唸書不是為了神唸，不是為了榮耀祂，那就白費了
主，帶領我，讓我不再過著沒有目標的規律生活
主，叫一切試探遠離我！
主，我要多思想祢！主，我要為祢活！

一個月了

數一數我來美國也一個月了
如果有人問我，來了這裡那麼久，印象深刻的有什麼？
其實印象深刻的太多了，但是總覺得有什麼東西missing
來了這裡一個月了，但是我還是不瞭解神的帶領
待在這裡的時間過了四分之一了
我感覺我是不是在浪費神的恩典、神的帶領呢？
我怎麼了？
若有人問我這個月有什麼memorable或meaningful的事，其實我不知道
我不知道這一個月在我生命當中有何意義
把time frame拉到碩一，我的答案其實一樣
也許我太理性了
作任何事，我總是focus在細節、在目標
當一件事完成後，我的眼光並不會停留，我也不會去回味
我只會馬上進入下一件事
我會不會因為這樣，沒有沈澱，miss掉神要跟我說的或神要我發現的？

團契

來到美國一陣子，才發現團契的重要性
來了這邊雖然有穩定主日崇拜，但是一直在尋找一個適合的團契
所以每次有空都會去參加不同的團契及查經小組
之前參加GCCC的英文查經小組、今天參加了UF校園內的RUF團契
每個團契/小組都有自己的特色及神的帶領
我也相信神在我身上也有獨特的帶領，神會在這裡為我預備一個合祂心意的團契生活！

持續禱告中～

禱告本

離開台灣前，我特別去校園書房買了一本Scripture Journal。原本打算要將這個journal拿來當禱告本，把自己跟神說的話記錄下來，數算神的恩典，但是離開台灣那麼久了，都一直沒動筆把自己跟神說的話寫下來。不知道為什麼，昨天我從書櫃上把這本journal拿下來，開始動筆寫一些東西了。我不是只記錄禱告事項而已，我是把我的禱告逐字的記錄下來。也許這是一種操練。以前我禱告完以後，總覺得重點就只有一些些，但是當我逐字的將禱告寫下來時，我發現我跟神說的每個字都好重要，因為每個字都是我跟神說的心事，都是我心中最誠實的感受。當我將我所向神說的一一記錄下來時，我發現神仔細的聆聽我心裡所有只想跟祂說的話，我發現神好有耐心，神好愛我！

關係的突破

也許來到美國，神要我學習用生命親近祂
過去，我總是以服事親近神
來到這裡，我停止了服事
一瞬間我覺得我跟神的關係產生了一些不確定感
我很怕我因為自己的生活步調而遠離神
經過神許多次的破碎、光照、挑旺後
我知道我最怕的就是遠離神
我知道我生命中最重要的就是神
也許這次來美國
神要我學習用不同的方式親近祂、與祂交通
我要學習時時刻刻與神保持「連線」
在生活中的每一分每一秒發現神的同在、神的提醒
對我而言，來美國不單單是當交換學生，完成學業而已
對我而言，來美國是個屬靈之旅
我要在這裡發現神的奇妙

來美國的目的？

來到美國後有好多機會到處跑、到處看，
但是今天突然想到一個問題，神帶我來這裡是為了什麼？
只是要我看看不同的文化，學習獨立、信任、交托，磨練膽量嗎？
神要我學的功課是什麼呢？
我知道神在我身上有美好的計畫，而來美國這個子計畫的目的是什麼呢？
我很擔心，來了美國我會鬆懈，我會不夠儆醒。
我很怕我從祭壇上逃走。我很怕健忘的我會忘記神的恩典。
也許我的信心太小，我總是想知道為什麼。
也許神要我放心的將自己的生命、未來、計畫全交托在祂手中。
也許神要我停止問「為什麼」，也許神只是要我休息、安靜。
雖然有這麼多的「也許」，我心中還是有個問號，
我還是想知道，因為我很怕我走錯了。

Lake Alice

8月25晚上去看蝙蝠出來覓食。在等待的過程中，我們到了對面的Lake Alice（UF校園內的湖）看一看。看到的第一幕就是一隻鱷魚寶寶在湖裡游來游去，享受著日落的美景～



除了鱷魚，Lake Alice旁邊有一間很美很美的教會。看到這一幕，我不禁問自己是否有一天也能夠在台灣的校園裡看見大復興？是不是能夠看到學生們喜歡敬拜神、渴慕敬拜神呢？

What can I do for You?

Four short years, one sixth of my current age, one thousand four hundred and sixty one days. All gone with a blink of the eye only to leave tears and smiles: smiles that revolve around You, tears that You use to cleanse me.

You taught me lessons that restores me to the image You created. You taught me not to look at the storms ahead of me, but to look past these storms and see that You are beside me. You taught me to never forget that I am not alone, never to forget that I was created for a purpose, never to forget that You keep Your promises. You taught me how to smile. You taught me how to cry. You taught me how to feel. You taught me how to be true.

You've done so much for me, way beyond what I deserve. Yesterday, I asked, "What can You do for me? What can you bring to my life?" Today, I ask, "What can I do for You, for Your kingdom?" Today, four years past, I know, not believe or think but know, that I don't belong to myself but to You alone.

發現

It's odd that humans are so weak in spirit. People normally insist that their ways of doing things is correct and they turn to God only when they are somehow defeated and are in need of consolation, certainly I am one of the people I speak about now. I've noticed that God is always there for me in the times of storm. And, I certainly know that God is with me at times of joy. Yet, it seems that I only notice God when I am under trials. Whenever I am not surrounded by hardship, my eyesight seems to be clouded and i forget God's grace, I forget Him gradually. I only pray that the Lord has His way in me!

As the Bible says, "I am a free man, nobody's slave; but I make myself everybody's slave in order to win as many people as possible." Lord, I don't want to waste the grace you gave me; use me, so that I be of help to the needy souls here! "So I become all things to all people, that I may save some of them by whatever means are possible."

主，我求祢翻轉我！徹底的翻轉我，叫我心中所有不合祢喜悅的全部被祢洗淨！讓我完全謙卑，毫無驕傲。在我身上，在我生命裡，除了祢以外，再也沒有可誇的事了！我只求祢破碎我，重新塑造我，使我成為祢手中合用的器皿，成為祢國度的僕人，成為靈魂的祝福！

生活作息

回台灣唸大學似乎放縱過頭了。在六年內，我的生活習慣真的是變的超級不規律的，晚睡晚起，早上8點有課常常會睡過頭。

沒想到來了美國之後，竟然選了一門早上7：25的課。一瞬間我必須將自己的生活作息調回高中那種晚上12點睡覺早上6：30起床的規律。

唉，過了六年我只能說自己老了，不在能像大學時的瘋狂作息，更不能向碩一一樣用命來唸書了。該重視健康了！

「身子是聖靈的殿」，要保守自己！

UF, my first 20+ days

UF, my first 20+ days

許多第一次

感謝主，來美國發現自己經歷了好多第一次：第一次住Wendy家、第一次在借住在朋友家（借住前其實不認識）、第一次跟香港人當室友、第一次認識大陸人、第一次自己做魯味、第一次被國際電話打敗、第一次這麼想念團契、第一次做fritos verdes、第一次...

好多第一次。

每個第一次都很特別！都很難忘！

在善上聰明

羅16：19：「 但我願意你們在善上聰明，在惡上愚拙。」
聖經要我們在惡事上單純，在善事上聰明，但是人如此的有限，行善時往往不知如何分辨何為有智慧的。雖然我願意幫助他們，但是我擔心這樣的幫助是不是其實害了他們。也許在現在這個時間點，這件事是無解吧。

負擔

看到剛信主認識的屬靈長輩的網誌，
不禁發現自己對世界、對靈魂的負擔好小。
因此，我對主禱告：
主，求祢賜我使徒性的熱情！
主，我要看到萬國萬民都起來敬拜讚美祢！
主，祢已將應許之地賞賜給我們了！
求祢激勵我！我要因祢成為大國！

主日

今天早上跟Michelle一起去Gainesville Chinese Christian Church. 雖然不是第一次去但是卻是第一次想要帶同學去。說「想要」表示原本有約同學，但是過去接他的時候就一直聯絡不上他，所以最後還是自己一個人跟Michelle去。

今天的證道很棒，主題是「耶穌恩友」，整個就很貼近我最近的生活經歷。雖然才去教會沒幾次，跟大家也都還不是很熟，但是在神的殿中絲毫沒有陌生的感覺。我發現無論到世界哪一個角落，只要能夠到神的殿中敬拜祂，我就會很高興，很心滿意足！在GCCC即使仍在與弟兄姊妹們建立關係，但是我知道這就是我的家，因為神就在那裡！來到Gainesville這一段時間，我經歷到好多好多神的恩典，但是讓我最高興、最感恩的是神為我預備了一個很棒很棒的教會！

這個教會充滿神的愛，弟兄姊妹們都很渴慕神，都很愛神，都很熱心的服事彼此！過去幾個禮拜的主日崇拜，都是弟兄姊妹們開車接送我們，我好感恩，好感恩！神真是用各種方式照顧我、使我飽足！這一切讓我更深的願意為神付出，為神而活！

跟隨

聽著從韓國帶回來的詩歌CD發現時間過的好快！
一轉眼我從韓國回來已經一個月了。
在韓國神為我卸下所有的防衛，我從無力到抗拒到遇見神，這個過程好長、好難走
回頭看雖然發現我經歷了好多痛苦，但是我為這些傷害獻上感恩
若不是這些經歷我不會認識自己，不會認識神對我的愛，不會知道如何倚靠神重新得力，不會對神如此認真

在韓國，我重新找到仰望神的信心，跟隨神的渴慕
我曾經跟神說過我要一生跟隨祂
但是危難臨到時我卻從祭壇上跑下來
我發現在我跟神的關係裡，我太自我中心了
在韓國，我發現當我離開神，活在世界中，好茫，沒有盼望、沒有喜樂、沒有愛
當我用「直到主耶穌再來時候」敬拜神時
我跟神說我願意跟隨祢，即使代價再大，我都願意跟隨祢
若祢要我現在立刻放棄研究所，我就放棄研究所
若祢現在要我離開家人，我就離開
我跟神說我願意付出一切的代價跟隨祂，我願意為神流血

然而當我在汝矣島純福音教會唱「十字架的道路，殉道者的生命」時
神問我「你願意如詩歌一樣，成為殉道者嗎？」
我遲疑了，我頓時頭腦空白，我猶豫了起來，我發現我內心在發抖
難道神真的要我為了祂獻上生命？我不是跟祂說過我願意嗎？
為什麼神反問我願不願意時，我卻猶豫了起來？
我開始懷疑我是否真的在時候到時願意為神流血
我只能呼求神，求祂讓我無論在高山或低谷都堅定在祂裡面
過了一天，神回應我，賜我信心，讓我滿有平安喜樂的到祂面前跟祂說
「我願意，我願意跟隨祢，我願意為祢流血，我願意成為祢的殉道者，只要是祢的旨意，我都願意」
這一生若不為主活，為誰活呢？世界嗎？自己嗎？不！只為主活！

謝謝祢的保護

今天突然發現我常常take God for granted.
我真是個軟弱的人啊，竟然會將最愛我的神視為理所當然。
原來有祢，我好幸福！
原來有祢，即時在世界最遙遠的角落，我都不孤單！
在美國，我每天睜開眼睛看到的第一個人、事、物都訴說著祢的榮耀！
在美國，我發現祢在保護我，祢在呵護我，爸爸祢好寵我。
在這個陌生的地方，我一點都不擔心，一點都不害怕，
一點都沒有之前第一次離家去台灣唸書那種不安、緊張、憂慮。
我心中只有平安、喜樂
我確信這是祢的恩典，這是祢給我的禮物，這是祢愛我的應證。
爸爸，謝謝祢！

祢曾告訴我：「又要以耶和華為樂，他就將你心裡所求的賜給你。」
如今我發現當我還不知道我需要什麼，要求什麼時
祢就為我預備好了。
當我猶豫是否要離開熟悉的環境面對我一直很抗拒的「改變」時
你給我勇氣、信心，讓我單純的順服祢的旨意
出發時，我不敢多想什麼，我根本不知道要想什麼
我不知道要如何規劃在美國的生活、需要，我只知道我要來，因為這是祢為我開的路
當我抵達目的地時，祢已經為我預備好了一切
祢給了我一個安歇之處、一個與我最珍惜的朋友相處分享的時間、一群照顧我的弟兄姊妹、一個餵養我的教會
主，我都沒想到我需要這麼多，但是祢都在我還沒想到的時候給我了
主啊，在祢面前我沒有任何可誇的，我沒有縝密的心思、沒有過人的智慧
我只有一個心智，就是為祢而活
認識祢四年後，我發現我生命不能沒有祢，
我發現任何事情如果不是為了祢作就都沒有意義
我發現我會因著能夠親近你好喜樂，因著不能與祢獨處傷心
當我發現，我以祢為樂時，我心裡所求的只是能一生都跟祢這麼親密
我不要這世界的任何東西，我只要跟祢很親近、很親近
無論我在世界的哪個角落，我都要跟祢這麼親近，這麼親密！
爸爸，我好愛祢、好愛祢！

Jesus, I love You!

Everyday I feel God's grace and God's love all around me. In times of joy and laughter, He is there; in times of tears and worries, He is there. God is never absent in my life and I will never be absent in my relationship with God. Everyday, when I wake up, I just want to say, "Jesus, I love You!"

Jesus, You are wonderful, You are great, You are glorious, You are beautiful.
You're my friend, my rock, my life. I love You, Jesus!

新的眼光（室友篇）

今天的我不禁懷疑自己是不是老了。我已經沒辦法過大學生的生活了。不是我想要回到大學時代，而是我現在的室友是大學生。在短短兩天短暫的相處後我赫然發現研究生與大學生真的完全不同；一個需要全然專注投入學習，另一個則是盡情的享受歡樂、活潑的生命。當我發現這一個事實後，我雖然想要堅持自己的需要，得到自己的空間、隱私，但是我發現我希望我的室友可以盡情的享受與他的朋友們聊天、殺時間，因為這是他們的權力、這是他應得的、這是她們生命中一段美麗的回憶。雖然我沒辦法在自己的房間裡面隨心所欲，想看書的時候就看書或想睡覺的時候就睡覺，但是看到他跟他朋友們過著如此無憂無慮的生活時，我卻有著莫名的喜樂。我為著他們能夠盡情的當大學生感恩。

與主的愛情

當我跌倒、撲倒、絕望時
是祢將我扶起
是祢推我一把
是祢給我力氣再走下去
是祢給我繼續的動力

這一生中，我只需要祢
因為祢是我唯一的真理
你是我唯一的所愛
當我的夢想破碎時
是祢陪著我掉淚
陪著我療傷
是祢讓我再次起身
再次微笑
是祢寶抱我
在祢裡面，好安全，好安靜，好享受

主，這一生我只要祢
我貪心的說我只想要跟祢分享
主，我愛祢
我好愛祢，好愛祢

Roommate

This morning (8/23, 4th day @ UF) when I woke up I realized there was another person in the room. My roommate had moved in! Her name is Karuna and she is extremely nice! Her Mandarin is really good. I believe our room is going to become a room where three or more languages are to be spoken. Ha. Thinking about our first encounter now, I feel that she reminds me of someone I knew in college. Her speech reminds me of 德慧, a really nice girl I met in TVBS when I first met Jesus.

UF (the first 3 days)

It's been only three days since my life in UF as a Gator, but the experience is exceptional.

First of all, people here look more mature than Asians their same age. The way they dress is very different. People here tend to resort to the casual looks. Yet sometimes I feel that any type of attire is acceptable here because I see people wander around nearly topless and no one seems to find it unfit or improper. To be honest, you will not find someone dressed up like that in Taiwan. I guess this is one of my culture shocks.

Another difference is the way professors teach. Some professors are extremely straight forward (attitude-wise), they can be really blunt (in Asian standards or in my standards actually) but they are still professional. Other professors speak extremely fast because they have so much to offer to us. Every professor has his/her personality, but what amazes me is how up to date everything here is. Course material here is parallel to world events. When I take classes here, I learn more than just Marketing and Teams, I learn about the world, about people. It is so amazing how much I get out of class here.

What's more, I really enjoy taking classes with Americans and other foreigners. People here have different trend of thoughts than Taiwanese students. From the discussions in class I have come to notice that for American students, classes are a form of intellectual conversation, whereas for an Asian student, classes are reservoirs that students/sponges come to for water.

I'm really grateful for the opportunity to come here because never in my life can I meet so many people from so many different countries. Being able to live in Weaver Hall and take class in the Warrington College of Business really allows me to be in touch with different cultures. Today, I was able to listen to 7 or 8 Europeans speak about their countries' positions about the European Union. That is something you won't get in Taiwan.

Besides these Europeans, I also met a couple of Chinese students who I am getting along with very well. It turns out that I do have preconceived notions about Chinese people that are not true. I nearly made the mistake of judging them based on my limited understanding of their culture. It turns out that they are unique, each of them is unique. Of course, some Chinese people do fit with my preconceived notions, but not all Chinese people are as such. These Chinese friends of mine, Mindy and Leo, are really friendly. They won't impose their polical ideologies on you. In fact they respect you (to a certain degree) for who you are.

I thank God for all these wonderful, mind opening moments. Ever since before my departure from Taiwan, God has been guiding me and protecting my every footstep. When we got here, God prepared a place for me to rest and a place for me to be close to Him. He understands my personality of not wanting to bother other people or ask other people for help, so He brought help to me. He gave me the warmest church with the warmest and friendliest brothers and sisters. They care about my life here more than I do about my life here.

我願意

主耶穌 我願意為祢去到世界的盡頭
主耶穌 我願意放棄世界來宣揚祢
主耶穌 我願意放棄一切放棄生命
單單為祢 單單為祢的國 單單為失喪的靈魂
主耶穌 我願意 因為我相信祢 因為我愛祢

感恩的一天！

感謝主！主真是垂聽禱告！

今天我陸續跟幾位學長們講我和伊婷要搬出去住的事。一開始我誤以為有一位學長因此而有不愉快，但是下午見到他時他說他有幫我們去找旅館，還給我們名片等。好感恩！
之後跟令一位學長說時，他聽到我的理由後，完全沒有不愉快或不贊同，而是agree，所以超感恩！

另外一件事就是神真的是太奇妙了，我一直想來這裡買套裝，但是又怕開學後沒時間而且這裡有點偏僻，可是今天跟學長和他朋友及朋友媽媽去outlet時，竟然讓我很順利買到套裝。感謝主！

另外一件事就是我昨晚睡覺沒有抽筋耶！太感恩了！

另外一件感恩的事是有機會跟伊婷分享信仰（not yet福音），但是他願意和我去教會耶！（需要繼續禱告，不能落入辯論，我會招架不住啊）

主！

主！我好糟、好不配祢的愛
祢用恩典環繞我，我卻逃避祢
主！願祢興旺，我衰微
讓我停止我的任性
停止我的自我中心
停止跟你拔河
讓我完全完全降服於祢
求祢奪走我心意
讓我單單思想祢
讓我不依靠自己的力量行事
我願凡事完全信靠祢
相信祢必引領我
就算我必須面對內心最深處的黑暗
我仍知道祢必領我度過死蔭的幽谷
主，我曾用盡自己的力量逃避
不願意面對祢要給我的改變
我心仍害怕、擔憂
但是我知道若祢要改變，誰能阻擋呢？
求祢來改變
求祢堅固我的信心
讓我單單倚靠祢
單單堅定在祢裡面
主！我不要再跟祢拔河了
主！我願意順服
主！教我安靜

Anger, disappointment

Today I attended a so-called ceremony for the opening of the student club center in NCCU. I was asked to "socialize" and yeah, I got pissed. I didn't know that this ceremony was going to be eating and socializing. But, what pissed me off was not the ceremony itself but her statement that we came to socialize. She thinks I'm angry because of reality not being as I expected; well, that's because I still have to work on expressing myself in Chinese. I meant one thing, but I said this instead, so I'm to blame for that. No, I'm angry at the fact that I have to do what I hate. I'm angry at the fact that I'm the oddball out, the only grad student still into clubs. I was willing to attend because I assumed attendance will not bring any attention onto myself. To me, attending was simply showing up, listening, taking notes, and leave. Interaction with other people is nowhere in my picture. So, yeah, I was overwhelmed; I was afraid; that fear became anger.

Afterwards when we left, we talked outside her office. She told me that serving God meant being able to be in all situations, including those we hate, i.e. including socialization. Knowing that doesn't help at all. Knowing that does not decrease my anger, it simply fuels my frustration. It simply sophocates my resolve to follow Jesus. I hate that I have to face my fears. Ever since I met Jesus, I'm being continuously forced to face and deal with my fears, pains, anger, hate, etc. The list is too long. To put it shortly, Jesus makes me face what I buried all my life. Things I want to keep buried, Jesus digs them out. So, I know that today did not happen by chance. I know that Jesus is digging another dead body out from my past. I can't socialize. I can't talk to strangers. I avoid talking to people, even people I know, if I can help it. I don't like to not be alone. That's me. That's how I live. That's how I survive. But, damn! I dread facing that, I dread changing this. I can't change this. Talking to people, strangers, is painful. It's a torture. God, why are you forcing me to face this? Life is great alone!

In this journey of knowing You, I feel beat. I really do. I don't have the energy to continue much longer. My world is turned upside down. I want to be close to you, but that requires you demolishing my walls. But my walls are my safety nets and comfort zones. Those are the things that keep me standing and keep me breathing. I feel so tired. Trying to fight you off is useless, but I have to. I guess, this is the only way of survival I know. So I have to fight. I know this is a battle I will ultimately lose, but I can't give up. I don't know how to live in any other way. I've prayed for me to surrender my will, but I don't know how to. I know I'm a disappointment to You. I know that I'm terrible to deal with. I'm sorry Jesus, but I don't know how to surrender. Teach me. I don't want to fight You all my life. I don't want to run from serving You. Being a grad student is not an excuse for following You. It should be the reason for being Your servant. You gave me all this, what reason do I have to not use what You gave me to follow You. I hate socializing, but I ask You to help me socialize when it's necessary to further Your will. It's so hard. So, so hard.

I feel disappointed. So disappointed. At myself. Just disappointed. Shit! I hate myself!

主，我願意

經歷這麼多高山低谷
只能說神掌權
無論景況如何，祂絕不離開、絕不放棄
信主越久越發現自己真的沒有什麼可誇的
一切一切都是神的恩典
能夠站立、能夠呼吸、能夠感覺
能夠聽、能夠看、能夠說
全都是神的恩典憐憫
一個如此不配的人卻能夠得到最寶貴的禮物
只能說，好大好大的恩典
所以我知道並立志：
耶穌，我願意完全降服於祢
主，我願意
主，祢是唯一
我被造是為了要敬拜祢！
我活著是為了要讚美祢！
我要用我全心全人，一生讚美祢！

A new stage

玉芬姐說what I'm going through is a new stage in my 靈程.
I understand it and I accept it, but I don't know how I'm going to hang on.
It's going to be tough.
I try to erect barriers to keep people out of my private world.
My barriers are big and thick.
Yet, 玉芬姐says that to become a shepherd, which is what serving God requires, I have to open myself up. I have to open my life. I have to use my life to influence others. Other people are going to want to become close to me. But that is my problem. I don't want to be close to anyone. I can't become close with anyone. I guess that's the lifestyle I've carved out for myself.
This is going to be a long process for me. Very, very long.

我怎麼了

我還是沒好
我以為事情都過去了
我以為我好一點了
體力恢復了、心情好多了
應該已經重新得力了
但是今天禱告會的時候我發現我非常抗拒
我不是抗拒禱告
我自己會跟神禱告
但是我抗拒這個團契
我抗拒跟弟兄姊妹講話
我不想要提出代禱事項
我不想要太接近大家
坐的太近我全身不舒服
禱告聽到自己的名字很不舒服、很不高興
我唱不出詩歌
我無力、我厭倦、我不知道該怎麼辦
我不想分享出來
我不要被關心、被幫忙，被他們「愛」我很不舒服
我發現我已經不信任他們了
我不想讓大家知道我的事，我完全不想分享
從敦翔說我把團契當成上班打卡後，這個團契對我已經不一樣了
即使這句話只是一個人說的，但是我的封閉卻是針對所有的弟兄姊妹
也許這樣很不公平，但是我發現我只是想保護自己
我變的超級敏感，任何一句話好像都會傷到我
我只能憑直覺離開讓我覺得不舒服的環境
這樣下去，我連去團契聚會都會有問題
怎麼辦？我到底怎麼了？

服事好難

服事好難
為什麼服事總是會受傷？
不管是弟兄姊妹、身邊的人或是一些不相干的人都會傷害你
服事好難
被說我把團契當成上下班打卡
真的很痛很痛
我好累，我不要在為自己解釋了
我不想再說了
算了，我不期待任何人瞭解我，我也不想去瞭解人了

要自己跨過好難

當我失去動力，好想哭的時候
我發現我不瞭解，不瞭解為什麼這次會這樣
為什麼這次服事後會這樣？
我不想因為這次這樣，以後就對服事怯步
這次流了好多眼淚
有為這次的空虛流，也有為過去的痛流
不知道為什麼，過去的畫面都浮現在腦海裡
在多明尼加不好的回憶、過去的行為模式、姊妹的傷害
這些都一一的回來了
流了好多眼淚...
但是我有比較好嗎？
我好懷疑，大家都說流眼淚很好
但是我討厭流眼淚，我討厭痛的感覺
我討厭無助，我討厭空虛
這就是我的tragic flaw嗎？
我想呼求耶穌，但是我發現我真的很無力
我不知道為什麼神要使用我
我沒有能力，為什麼要使用我？
我只會把事情搞砸
主！我好負面
幫助我重新得力
幫助我信靠祢
幫助我緊緊抓住祢
幫助我走過去
幫助我開口
幫助我跟隨祢
幫助我倚靠祢
幫助我交托
幫助我
我還沒想到的祢都幫助我

原來還是過去好

這次服事後，我真的不知道我怎麼了
為什麼服事的時候好高興
服事一結束一瞬間覺得好空虛
我不知道我在作什麼
但是我清楚的感覺到我已經沒有動力服事下去了
一想到小小的服事我就覺得快被壓垮
我好無力
想到服事就想哭
我不知道該怎麼辦
不服事？這不是神要的
可是我又要怎麼服事呢？我已經沒力氣了
我不知道為什麼信主以後我變的這麼敏感
以前我可以控制自己不被別人影響
但是現在一個眼光，一個字就可以讓我受傷
我怎麼了？
不知不覺我又開始跟神求
求神讓我沒有情緒，我不要有任何感覺
我寧願全身都是刺，我不要再痛了
以前我不求別人瞭解我，但信主後我會因為被誤會而不舒服
我在意別人的偏見，我...
我已經不是以前的我了
我好想回到過去
那個不會受傷的自己好好
我想回到冷冰冰的自己，不管別人就不會受傷
一輩子一個人，好好保護自己
我要回到過去的自己，好好的把自己封起來
誰也別想在傷我
我要除掉我所有的情緒，我不要有任何感覺
主，原諒我
我已經走不下去了

You are my all in all (lyrics)

Recently this song kept on popping into my head. For me, this has become my prayer and praise to the Lord!

You are my strength when I am weak
You are the treasure that I seek
You are my all in all
Seeking You as a precious jewel
Lord to give up I'd be a fool
You are my all in all
Jesus Lamb of God worthy is your name
Jesus Lamb of God worthy is your name
Taking my sin my cross my shame
Rising again I bless your name
You are my all in all
When I fall down you pick me up
When I am dry You fill my cup
You are my all in all

Lexus Competition

Yesterday or rather the day before yesterday was the longest day of my life. We worked all night just to produce two perfect A4 pages of "perfect service" definition. We worked on it 23 hours non-stop. We wrote, explained, debated, re-wrote, re-debated, re-worked, re-explained, we re-ed everything n times. Our target deadline was shifted 4 or 5 times. We shared 4 meals together. We... All for a perfect definition of "perfect service" and a creative project using our creative logo for Lexus. I hope we win.

After we mailed our MASTERPIECE, I received this email:

From 阿佩：
Dear BB3550
莫名的就從昨天晚上弄到了Deadline 傍晚五點XD
討論合作到現在覺得很開心，我們真的很厲害，
很用心把短短兩張A4+創意製作物弄完了
記最終版本給大家留底
五十萬五十萬五十萬～阿屋阿屋阿屋～～
要好好補眠修養身息

From Jessie:
嗯
很難忘的一次回憶^^
希望能如願拿到50萬XD

From 42B (阿碩):
哈哈哈...這兩天辛苦大家囉!!!
昨天一直在檢討為什麼會花掉這麼多時間...
其實，我們真的花了很多的時間在做重複的事情..
而最主要的原因是我們沒有好好的溝通彼此的想法...
我沒有想到我們彼此的思考模式會差這麼多...
但是在溝通的過程中...也讓我學到了很多的事情...
那進入複賽時，我們在進行撰寫以前，一定要一直做溝通…
減少不必要的重複工作…
Anyway,和大家合作很愉快喔...
也謝謝大家的配合...

My reply:
Dear all~
It's been a dear dear pleasure to be in a team with you.
I value this experience so much!
Even though we spent a lot of time working on two A4 pages,
I cherish this process because we got to understand each other thoroughly
and because we grew and we succeeded.
Whatever the result,
in my mind we won for we accomplished something big,
we overcame obstacles!
Not once did we back away!
We did it~
It was a pleasure guys~ 阿豆仔

Thank You Lord!

Praise the Lord! He is my helper and my provider. He is Immanuel. My interview yesterday went very well. Actually, it was way better than I expected. I know that that doesn't mean that I will get to go on exchange, but I know that everything happened under God's watch. I know that He will take me where He wants me to be, whether that is Taiwan or somewhere else. I know, without the slightest of doubt, that God has a path prepared for me and that will be the path I take. Hallelujah! Thank the Lord!

Pre-Interview Nerves

Lord help me!
I am pretty nervous.
Actually, very nervous.
In less than a couple of hours I have an exchange student interview. Rationally and faithfully I know that God will take me to the place He has prepared for me. I know that if God wanted me to go to a specific country, He will let the results be that country. I know that if God wants me to stay in Taiwan, the results would be that I do not qualify for exchange. I know all this, but I am still nervous! I guess, I'm nervous before any interview. But, I also guess that I want this to happen for me. But then, do I really have the courage to go abroad? I guess I won't know until it really happens to me. Whatever the result will be. I know that God's will is above all. His will will be done. What I seek is not my will, but His. I will surrender myself to Him. Lord, have your way in me. Lord, let this interview be after Your own heart!
Thank You Lord.
Thank Your for letting me know that my life is not random, but Your immaculate design.

I will not back away

Lord, strenghten me.
Strengthen my faith in You.
Give me courage and will to fight this battle.
Let me proclaim Your name at all times,
whether I'm in my highs or in my lows.
Lord, I will go where you take me
and do what you tell me to.
Lord, I am your servant.
I will not back away.
No attacks can scare me away.
For He who lives in me is the greatest of the world!
Lord, I have won this battle
for You won it centuries ago.
Lord, I will shout Your victory.
Lord, I live to glorify You!

Beat from discussion

Any small thing can just crush the merriness out of a discussion. Today, when I was discussing Lexus with my team, we had our bottlenecks; but, with mutual encouragement, we overcame each one of them. We had a lot of fun: we came up with more than eight logo sketches, and most importantly, we had fun with it. Our ship was moving forward at a satisfactory speed. Yet, when we decided to put the sketches to test, we realized that they did not produce the effect we had expected. Adding to the fuel, another team member who arrived late gave us a tremendous "reality check" (I use this word to try not to let my emotions cloud me, but I don't know if using this word is in fact biased by the effect of trying to avoid clouded judgment). There was a "takeover." All our ideas were discarded without the slightest hint of approval or encouragement for our effort and our three hour wasted. There was a tyranny: we were forcefully steered in the way this member wanted and any effort to pull back was ignored. Honestly, I was disappointed. That's not how a team is supposed to work. Everyone was disappointed. Our team spirit was recalibrated back to zero. But, life goes on. The rest of us pulled ourselves together to continue on. When we did so, this member simply ignored us and started drawing sketches of his own (what he told us not to do or in fact should not have done; he did what he told us to refrain from doing). Once we went into deeper discussion of our report framework, he simply went to sleep. I simply felt beat. I still feel beat. Oh, Lord! Help me! Don't let me explode. God, have your way in me.

Obedience

Today, when I was reading Mark 3, I read that Jesus said,

"Whoever does what God wants him to do is my brother, my sister, my mother." (Mark 3:35, GNB)

I had my computer on, so I decided to read other versions of that passage.
I looked up the same verse in The Message and I found one additional line that is not found in GNB nor NIV nor NASB. It was,

"Obedience is thicker than blood. The person who obeys God's will is my brother and sister and mother." (Mark 3:35, The Message)

The line "Obedience is thicker than blood" jumped out at me. I knew that God stressed importance, but I hadn't realized that this message was so clear in this passage. I really thank God for His word. I'm going to keep this in mind. From now on, obedience to God is at the very top of my list.

My nature?

There are moments in grad school when I don't know how to react. Alright, I don't know how to react most of the time I'm at school. I don't know if its a religious thing or a cultural thing or a personality thing. Perhaps its a combination of all of that, or perhaps those three things represent the same thing.

Sometimes I feel that I am interpersonally inept. I don't really know how to act when I'm not alone. I don't know what to say, how to act, what to think, etc. I always feel that my hands are tied.

I guess its different looking in and looking out. My classmates tell me that I am outstanding, when I don't feel that I have any abilities whatsoever. I don't know if they really think that or if they're just saying it for the sake of socializing. (I don't think I have the courage to trust people until I feel that they've proven themselves to be trustworthy, e.g. Church.) The truth is that I don't have the answer for a lot of my questions, and I never will have the answers to them. I know I am insecure: I doubt myself, way too much I guess. But brothers and sisters from my fellowship give me love that I don't think I deserve. They look at me and see qualities, which I don't think myself having. I feel that I'm submerged into this period of insecurity. I thought I was supposed to be over that after puberty.

God help me. I realize that when i have thoughts like this, I'm being self-centered. Why do I have to explain everything from this self-centered vantage point? Why do I think people have evil natures? Is it because I've been burned one too many times? But, that is ironic: I've been burned by people from fellowship, yet I trust them and doubt my friends (not from fellowship) yet they have not done anything to hurt me. What am I protecting myself from? My coward nature is preventing me from loving others as God loves me.

Lord, help me.
Lord, change me.
Lord, have Your way in me.

He's with me!

Recently, I've come to notice a pattern in my spiritual life. It seems as if I have periods of closeness with God followed by periods of wandering in the deserts. When I noticed this I couldn't help praising God for letting me realize that I had this weakness. By knowing this, I know that I don't have to fight this battle alone. I can rely on Him to help me; I can pray to Him.

"My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. (2 Corinthians 12:9)

God alone is my Lord. He guides my every footstep. I will go wherever He takes me. Even though I am dead scared of unfamiliar places/environments, I will pack my bags and leave this place when He calls me. I was never a big supporter of going to Korea for "FangHan," but I was surprised to realize that I wanted that intimate relationship with God so much that I told God that I would go to Korea.

As soon as I had thoughts of going to Korea, Satan put all those doubts in me. It told me that I wanted to go to China during summer for internship; it told me that that was the rational thing to do, since I am an MBA candidate in emerging Asia; it told me that Korea was a bad idea, that people at church used it as a "qualifications test of holiness"; it told me that I did not have any money; it told me that my family was not as economically well off as before; it told me lies, too many lies. All lies.

But, thanks to the Lord. He helped me block all that out. He gave me faith and courage and wisdom to hold on to His word and to the Truth. He showed me His grace and strenghtened my resolve in Him by showing me that He works miracles in my life. When I told my mother that I wanted to go to Korea this summer, I was amazed and speechless when she asked me if I was going with people from church and that she was OK with it. God is truly amazing. He opens doors, clears paths, and rids obstacles for me. I can't help but say: "Hallelujah!!!"

你是否感到群山震動

超級好聽的詩歌！
讚美主！！！

你是否感到群山震動,聽見大海在怒吼
萬民都在揚聲歌唱,耶穌基督已復活
你是否感覺人心惶恐,聽見萬民在歌頌
失喪人們開始呼喊,耶穌基督我救主

我們看見神大能運行,活水江河正流向萬邦
男女老幼都轉向耶穌,天堂大門正敞開
來預備復活救主降臨

天堂門打開,音樂響起來
讓讚美充滿這世界
唱出新盼望,喜樂湧上來
歡呼祂的公義永存在

黑暗勢力正在顫抖,當主百姓同心歌頌
山川小溪匯成河流,洗盡一切破碎憂愁
我們看見神大能運行,歡呼慶賀時刻已來臨
男女老幼都轉向耶穌,天堂大門正敞開
來預備復活救主降臨

天堂門打開,音樂響起來
讓讚美充滿這世界
唱出新盼望,喜樂湧上來
歡呼祂的公義永存在