Anxiety

Lately I've been asking myself, how do I serve the Lord? How do I follow Him? I know from my two past short "work experiences" that I lose sight of God easily. I know that I a easily swayed and distracted by worldly things: success, failure, self-esteem, goals, interpersonal relationships, acclaim, appreciation, acknowledgement, comparison, experience, attractiveness, acceptance, popularity, workload, etc. Even though I may want to devote myself to God, a part of me is fearful that such a devotion will be shortlived and overwhelmed by worldly distractions. I am afraid that my faith is weak. That fear is holding me back from moving forward. That fear is keeping me from growing and stepping out of my comfort zone. The idea of stepping out my comfort zone is daunting enough for me to lose sight of the Lord. I need to shake the habit of relying on myself whenever I am in distress. If I relied on the Lord instead, I would not have to rely on myself and I would not have to veer off into the worldly path, because that's normally where I end up whenever I rely on myself.

Tomorrow I have a job interview. I do not know whether this is the job God has prepared for me. The fact that I do not know adds so much anxiety to my life right now. I feel that I am stuck in a state of despair and uselessness. If tomorrow's interview is not the job God has prepared for me, I feel hopeless. I do not know where to go after this. I do not know how to find a job, because I honestly feel useless at this point. However, the ironic thing is that if tomorrow's interview is the job God has prepared for me, I am in fear. I am afraid of change and of new environments. So, if that is the job God has prepared for me, I am afraid because it is a new environment with new dynamics and new relationships to learn and form. This is ironic because I am afraid that tomorrow's interview may not be the job God has prepared for me, but I am also afraid because tomorrow's interview may in fact be the job God has prepared for me. I want it to be the job God has prepared for me, but I also do not want it to be the job God has prepared for me. Why am I such a coward? Why am I afraid of change? Life is full of change. Wherever I go, there will be change. Why can't I shake this fear?

Jesus, I need you! I need strength! I want to rid myself of this fear. I want to grow in Your grace and mercy! I want to enter into a new stage of my life. I want to discard my old self and grow into my new self. I want to embrace change. I want to presevere from this fear of change. I want to overcome this fear. I want to change. I know change will bring healing! Whatever tomorrow's outcome is, I know it is the beginning to a new change. Wherever I go from here on, I want to be deeply rooted in the Lord! When challenges appear and when hardships come, I do not want to rely on myself or be swayed by my own emotions. I want to be guided by the Lord. I want to rely on the Lord. I want to be silent and listen to the Lord. I do not want to be overwhelmed by my own fear and by my incessant moans of fear. I want to be silent and wait upon the Lord! This is something I want to learn everyday! I don't want my life as a Christian to be someone who believes in Jesus but does nothing to reflect it, I want my life as a Christian to be active surrendering of myself to the Lord! I want Christ to be the authority of my life, the captain of this ship!

Faith

Recent events in relation to job search has shaken and re-built my faith. This week I went to a new job thinking that this was the job God has prepared for me. Yet, I soon realized there were some contractual issues and differences of opinions and mindsets that made a longterm working relationship somewhat impossible. After consulting with my fellowship shepherd, I decided to discontinue my service in the company after only one day of employment. This came as an awful shock to me because I literally felt like a deserter. Monday night, after my first day of work, I prayed to God all through the night. During the entire process I really struggled. The night before, I had just told God that I will rely on Him and endure all hardships ahead of me, yet 24 hours later I was asking God whether I should leave. I really felt defeated and disappointed at myself.

After a few hours of prayer and more hours of tossing and turning in bed, God reminded me of a promise I made to Him roughly a year ago in Korea. I told God that I will follow Him, serve Him, and even bleed for Him. Yet, the fresh memories I have about my last employment (or what turned out to be a part-time job) starkly contrasted my promise to Him. Relative to the struggles I will face if I am to be His servant, the hardships of my last job though small in comparison, demolished me completely, because I did not rely on God in the most crucial moments. Instead, I pushed myself into the desert where I discovered my all time spiritual low. This reminder tore down my facade of independence and strength. In the wee hours of the morning, I came to God and repented my sins. Sins that consisted of my unwillingness to surrender to Him, rely on Him, or admit Him as my God of my life. By breaking down in front of God, he rebuilt me by giving me newfound spiritual awareness and strength. It was then that I returned to God. I finally admitted (for the first time in my life, though perhaps not the first time in my subconscious) that I am weak and that I am not an island. At that point I once again realized the meaning of my life lies in God. Around 4 or 5 a.m. God once again reminded me of the calling He placed in front of me: to "go and make disciples of all nations," 海外宣教, and 服事, 全職服事. I will serve Him! I will serve Him with all my life and all my heart!

Honestly, I fear whatever lies ahead of me. My future is a blur to me. I have no idea where I will be tomorrow or next month or next year. Everything ahead of me is uncertain. And, that scares me. I'm afraid of the decisions I will make or will not make. All I can do is place all of this in God's hand. It seems that I've made it a habit to rush ahead of God rather than waiting upon Him and allow Him to guide me. I've always been impatient and hence, I've never really waited for or upon Him. Henceforth, I will try to be still and wait. Even though, I have financial pressures that drive me to urgently seek employment, I will bring all my fears and concerns to God and have Him lead me because any decision I make on my own seems be throw me onto a path that God has not opened up for me. Therefore, everytime that path closes, I feel defeat, disappointment, and pain. I'm going to stop rushing ahead of God and do what He wants me to do! Whatever I do in the future, I will center my life around God. I will serve Him! I will serve Him all my life!

What lies ahead

Tomorrow is a new day. It will be my first day of work in a new company with a new group of people. To be honest, I am very nervous. I've always been nervous about going into new environments. So, I guess my "shyness" and my not-so-good interpersonal skills seem to intensify my nervousness. Apart from that, my previous work experience in which I witnessed the darkness of human nature and my failure to cope in that environment is haunting me. In a sense, I believe that what I experienced in my previous job exists in every work environment. Hence, a part of me is in fear of what to expect tomorrow. I guess I just have to tough up, grow up, accept it, and deal with it.

Since my last job, I've been feeling a bit lost. I don't know what God has prepared for me and I do not have the slightest clue whether I'm walking on the path He has prepared for me. This new job entered my life when I was starting to question my last job. At the time I thought that God was opening up a new way for me. Yet, to be completely honest, I am not sure. Part of me thinks that God will use me to serve Him and all that is happening to me now (all the jobs, interpersonal experiences, etc.) are tasks He placed in my life to prepare me. However, I am weak. My last job and all the commotion that happened afterwards have debilitated my soul and spirit. My faith is at its lowest point. I'm in the desert. I feel lost. Everytime I pray, I am in want of words.

In retrospect, I realize that I do not know how to rely on God. Everytime I encounter a challenge, I rationally think that I can and should rely on God, but instinct and 老我 take over rendering all reason and belief futile. I realize I do not know how to depend on God; I do not know how to surrender myself. This is a homework I have not yet learned, but desperately need to.

Today, I ask God to teach me this homework and to show me how to surrender myself and rely on Him. I know there are hardships, trials, and tribulations ahead of me. So I ask God to help me and be my shelter. Whenever I feel lost and defeated, I only ask for God's love and mercy. I need God to lift up my spirit and my soul. Whatever I encounter, all I ask is not to lose faith! 1 Corinthians 10:13 says, "He will not let you be tempted beyond what you can bear. But when you are tempted, He will also provide a way out so that you can stand up under it." Yes, God has provided a way out for me. In this new job, I want to have His perspective. In this job, I know God will equip me to be a better servant. Though there will be suffering, I ask for strength and faith to be still and preservere because "we also rejoice in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; perseverance, character; and character, hope. And hope does not disappoint us, because God has poured out His love into our hearts by the Holy Spirit, whom He has given us." (Romans 5:3-5)

I am nothing without God. I ask for strength to live on everyday for everyday is His day!

Leave?

Never had I imagined that I would feel so depressed about church. In my mind, church, or actually fellowship, has always been a home away from home. At times I feel more at home in fellowship than with my family. However, after this incident with my job and three accummulated talks with my shepherds from fellowship, I feel completely heartbroken. For the first time ever, I feel a sense of doom and despair when I think about fellowship, church, and them. My heart is no longer with them and every day I find myself dreading the thought of talking to them or seeing them. I want to leave. I've lost my faith in this group.

In two short weeks, I've witnessed firsthand how powerful and harmful human words can be. I've been hurt by what they said, and I know for a fact that they've been hurt from what I've said as well. I can no longer picture myself working with them. I ask for their forgiveness but I do not want to explain myself. I refuse to have my motives questioned. I do not want to waste any energy defending myself or debating my actions. To do so is simply futile.

I guess I'm simply disappointed at the fact that I am not trusted. I'm disappointed at the fact that they assume my words were meant to harm them and accuse them. I'm disappointed at the fact that my character has been placed in doubt. It hurts to hear them imply that I tried to spread rumors and cause a rift between them and other sisters. It hurts to be implicated like that. It hurts to realize that I'm not trusted. It hurts so much no words or actions can undo what has been said. I'm disappointed that the home I thought I once had is gone. It hurts to realize that such small actions from people you care is more fatal than elaborate plans of attack from strangers or enemies. After all this, I realize that all I want is just to leave.

Roller Coaster Month

During the past month, God gave me a truly unforgettable experience. If I were a few years younger, I might have resented this experience. However, today, all I can say is, "Praise the Lord," for every homework He gives me is truly beneficial to my life.

Last month, my shepherd told me about a job opening in the Accounting Department of my old school. After praying about it, I felt that God closed all doors to all other jobs leaving this one open. Hence, I met with the Department chair, who is also Christian. The very next day, I started work/training with one of the colleagues in the department. All went well for awhile. I learned a lot about her job routines, because I was to be hired to fill in her position for she was transfering to a different section in school. All I can say is that I have big shoes to fill, because she is great at her job, her work load is huge, and as a newbie, I have tons and tons of stuff to learn. I think of her as my mentor at work.

As soon as October started, my "mentor" started work in her new position, leaving me to work full time at her old position (although I wasn't yet officially hired, due to complicated procedures in the school). As soon as she left, things went haywire. I realized that in the small office of four, two of my "colleagues" would not talk to me. They wouldn't even look at me or respond to any of my questions. I could feel tension building up everyday. Initially, I thought that this treatment they were giving me was a result of the fact that we were not yet acquainted. I believed that with time, things would improve.

One week into this, a professor suddenly announced that his classmates were coming for a visit and he required our assistance in accommodating them. Since this task fell into the category of one of my mentor's past duties, it became my responsibility. I realized that one of the colleagues (A) who did not talk to me started helping me and even responded to my questions, while the other one (B) did not move a finger. Thankfully, the job was finally completed.

A few days later I noticed some unread emails in my computer. They turned out to be B's complaint to the chair regarding the accommodation task to be my job and not hers. This came as a shock to me, because B forwarded her complaint to the chair to my personal email account.

During that week, I felt that A and B remained stationary in their attitudes toward me (one responded to me while the other ignored me). In my mind I felt a bit relieved, because at least there was some improvement. Since my parents were in Taiwan visiting, I left early on Thursday noon to enjoy the long weekend vacation with my family.

Before returning to my job, I felt a growing pang of dread Sunday night. Monday morning I discovered that my mentor moved my recruitment along: a job opening announcement was posted on the school's website (which is a required step in the procedure). My mentor and the chair had originally planned to announce the job, conduct the interview with two teachers and the chair herself, and hire me as soon as the procedure was over. Yet, things started to change Monday afternoon. Applications started coming in (which is normal), but as soon as my mentor came to the office to talk to me, A gave her a package, which turned out to be an application for the job opening by A's old colleague (who happened to work in my position and left before my mentor came on board). 'A' also asked some probing questions concerning interviewer members for the following day as well as questioned why certain teachers weren't invited. At that time, both my mentor and I sensed something wrong. Since the following day was interview day, my mentor asked me to come in around noon for the interview and forget about work for the day.

That night I prayed about this job. The more I prayed, the less peace I felt. In fact, I started feeling a drive to leave this job. Just as I started having these feelings, a trading firm called me to invite me to a job interview scheduled for the following day. This was too much of a coincidence. Hence, I prayed. The more I prayed, the more I felt that the school was not a place for me. Hence, before the interview, I talked to the chair about this and ask her not to feel any pressure to hire me or be bound by any sort of commitment to me.

When I arrived at the office, I noticed my other colleague (C), who has been friendly to me since day 1, looking at me with a rather awkward and embarrassed expression. I soon realized that it was because things changed drastically during the morning. Somehow colleagues A and B were able to pressurize the chair into openly inviting all faculty to serve as interviewers. Hence, three extra professors appeared for the interview, two of which are very close to A and B.

During the interview, I realized that these two professors asked rather unfriendly questions, some of which were sarcastic, sour, or implicitly accused the chair, my mentor, and I. The interview felt like a tug of war between two sides: the two professors who are VERY friendly with A and B and the three original interviewers.

As soon as the interview was over, my mentor told me that she would call me as soon as a decision was made. From her look, I knew that something was wrong. After I left, my mentor called me to ask me where I placed the resumes of the other three applicants who were not invited to the interview. Some time later, after a number of calls back and forth the office, my mentor and the chair told me that a meeting was held and a tie resulted between me and the old colleague. Since the chair did not vote, all professors present asked her to make the decision regarding who to hire. The chair told me she wanted to hire me, but since she knew about my prayers, she told me not to feel pressure and think about it through the weekend. Although it's a bit premature to make any decision, I am rather inclined to seek employment elsewhere, which I will not tell the office before this weekend (which is a work weekend).

Today, when I went to work, I noticed colleagues A and B's growing unfriendliness toward me. In fact, as soon as I walked into the office, I saw a very unhappy and shocked look from A. All morning today, none of them (A, B, and C) talked to me nor responded to my questions. Actually, B did respond to one question but in a whisper accompanied by a disgusted tone. When a professor came in, one which I guess is close to B, and inquired A about the person filling in for my mentor, A purposedly responded loudly that she didn't know because the situation was too awkward. I literally felt all eyes in the office fall on me. In a sense, I felt that my colleagues were building an army of professors against me.

When I left to see my parents off in the airport, colleague C caught up with me at the elevators. I was surprised that she talked to me. In fact, that was the first real conversation I had with anyone in the office. I realized that C is a friendly person, who feels pressure about befriending a common enemy of A and B (me) due to her recent arrival at her current position. In a sense, she felt a pressure to alienate me in order to fit in at the office. Well, I don't blame her. Even the students working part-time at the office are doing the same thing toward me.

What will happen tomorrow, Friday, or the long weekend I am not sure. I cannot even imagine it. All I can say is that I place my future in God's hands and may God lead me and the entire office. May His blessings rain down on the chair, my mentor, the office, the faculty, and me. I finally understand what it feels like to feel blind about one's future. I can only rely on God now and trust that He will lead the way and that the path He has prepared for me is the best. God help me!

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you

I saw this message on facebook today and it's just so great that I had to post it here! 很激勵人！！！

The next time you feel like GOD can't use you, just remember...

Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer...AND
Lazarus was dead!

Now! No more excuses!
God can use you to your full potential.
Besides you aren't the message, you are just the
messenger.
And one more thing......
In the Circle of God's love, God's waiting to use your
full potential.

The Prayer

神真的很奇妙！
最近發現我哥慢慢改變了
他開始會想瞭解我在教會會做什麼，也開始聽有福音性質的opera歌曲
看到現在的他，讓我想起我快信主時，也是這樣，心中就很幸奮，好期待哥哥也可以認識神！
最近常聽的這首 The Prayer 就是我哥介紹的！

這首歌很好聽，但是讓我最感動的是他的歌詞。
尤其是這兩段：
Sognamo un mondo senza più violenza
Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternità

E'il desiderio che
Ognuno trovi amore

我們真的要回轉變成小孩的樣式
單單求神讓世人能找到真正的愛，那就是神自己。

The Prayer 是由 Charlotte Church 和 Josh Groban 合唱的。
以下是 The Prayer 完整的歌詞：

I pray You'll be our eyes
And watch us where we go
And help us to be wise
In times when we don't know

Let this be our prayer
As we go our way
Lead us to a place
Guide us with Your Grace
To a place where we'll be safe

La luce che to dai
(The light that You give us)
I pray we'll find Your light
Nel cuore resterò
(Will stay in our hearts)
And hold it in our hearts
A ricordarchi che
(Reminding us)
When stars go out each night
L'eterna stella sei Nella mia preghiera
(That in my prayer You are an everlasting star)
Let this be our prayer
Quanta fede c'è
(There's so much faith)
When shadows fill our day
Lead us to a place
Guide us with Your grace

Give us faith so we'll be safe.
Sognamo un mondo senza più violenza
Un mondo di giustizia e di speranza
Ognuno dia la mano al suo vicino
Simbolo di pace e di fraternità
(We dream of a world with no more violence
A world of justice and hope
Grasp your neighbors hand
As a symbol of peace and brotherhood.)

La forza che ci dai
(The strength that you give us)
We ask that life be kind
E'il desiderio che
(Is the wish)
And watch us from above
Ognuno trovi amore
(That everyone may find love)
We hope each soul will find
Intorno e dentro a sé
(In and around himself)
Another soul to love

Let this be our prayer
Just like every child
Just like every child

Needs to find a place,
Guide us with Your grace
Give us faith so we'll be safe
E la fede che
Hai acceso in noi
Sento che ci salverà
(And the faith that
You've lit inside us
I feel will save us)

教會

最近發現時間過的好快，一轉眼我回台灣快七年了，在教會也快五年了。雖然我在天主教國家長大，但是教會對我而言一直是個很陌生的地方。在異文化成長的我，常常在父母的傳統觀念、高標準和同儕的開放、隨性和自由中感到挫折和矛盾。為了要迎合父母和同儕的期望，我訓練自己成為一個只會完成任務、達成目標的機器，慢慢的我忘記了人最基本的需要，「愛」。

認識神、進入教會以後，神讓我看到弟兄姊妹們彼此的關心和祝福。一開始，這些都是我不能理解的，甚至是我所害怕的。然而，神用一次極為痛苦的憂鬱症破碎了我長久以來對「愛」的封閉。我發現原來愛並不複雜。教會就是愛。

個性怕生的我，一開始不敢加入團契，但在輔導和同工的邀約下，我終於參加了學青聚會。在團契裡，打破了我一只以來對人的不信任、首次點燃我對他人的愛，也確立了我要一生跟隨神的心志。因此，我開始學著服事神、服事人，越服事就越想要為神付出一切。現在，一提到服事神我就會覺得很興奮。服事結束後，我會很期待下次的服事。因此，學青每個暑假的短宣、真愛品德營和每年的聖誕節晚會都是我最享受和最期待的！

這幾年來，我常常跑到教會聚會、看書。每當覺得壓力大或心情不好時，我也都會到教會，親近神。當我出國時，我發現我最想念的是教會。原來在不知不覺中教會已經變成我的家了。回想這五年，神在我生命裡做了很多、很大的改變，我也經歷了數算不盡的恩典和祝福，而五十年來，神在教會的恩典必定是更加奇妙、更加榮耀的！相信接下來的十年、二十年、五十年裡，教會要在政大、文山區，甚至全世界的禾場裡大大的撒種收割，使萬民做神的門徒！神要使木柵便以利教會成為大國！

Testimony

生長在天主教國家的我，從小就知道基督教有所謂的一個神；但對於是深信科學、理性至上的我而言，一向認為：神是人虛構出來的，而信仰更是人在無法克服困境時製造出來的心靈寄託。剛開始唸大學時，大學室友曾多次試著跟我傳福音，但我卻都以激烈的辯論給予回應。後來室友以「欣賞」他首次司琴為由邀請我參加聚會，為了表示對他的支持，我便答應了。當時，我的生活遇到了許多挑戰。

當時，個性倔強的我，是不可能迎接失敗、更不可能承認自己有不足或軟弱的！然而在參加聚會時，我得到了一生中從未擁有過的禮物，我笑了。從內心深處發出的微笑頓時讓我得到了釋放，在那一剎那過去所有的信仰辯論都在我心中失去了根基。神彷彿在告訴我：孩子，是該承認我的時候了吧？聚會結束後我做了決志禱告，但是個性固執的我只允許自己以「試試看」的心接受耶穌。

信主後，信心尚未堅定的我，以為神跟我開了一個殘酷的玩笑。我得了一個我認為我不可能得到的病─憂鬱症。當我向神求醫治時，我並沒有得醫治；當我想死時、祂卻以「自殺是罪」的冷淡態度來回應。在看醫生、吃藥後，憂鬱症消失了，但是我並不覺得我真正好了，我很怕病情復發，這懼怕讓我在接下來的一年中全心投入課業，目的要讓自己沒有空閒的時間，避免憂鬱症又成為我生命的一部份。

然而在一次主日時，神對我說：「孩子，你已經被醫治了！」有了神的應許，心中更真是得到了安慰。然而神又告訴我：「你處理傷痛的方式不對，我要重新處理過。」經過憂鬱症的絕望和痛苦後，我清楚得知道我最怕的就是面對自己的痛、自己的情緒。心中雖然害怕，但是也充滿感恩，因為這時的我知道神真的在意我，我對神已不再是「試試看」而已了。

神的應許是信實的，但是我卻懷疑過。在神說祂已醫治之後，我的憂鬱症復發了。當時我無法相信神的應許竟然會落空，我跟神禱告，但祂保持沈默。

久了，我漸漸不禱告了，我漸漸忘記祂，也忘記祂的應許。於是，我開始不倚靠神，我回到自我中心了。

但是，神短暫的沈默之後，緊接著是祂大聲的呼喚：神用我最在意的學業成績跟我說：我只在意那些在永恆裡沒有意義的數字，卻將祂擺在我生命裡的最後一位，對我而言，耶和華不是神，學業成績才是神。

神的責備將我敲醒，原來我回到了信主前的光景。祂要我學習生命中每一件事都讓祂參與，祂也告訴我祂的應許從不落空，而是我沒抓住。

當危難臨到時，我沒有求告祂，反而選擇依靠自己！我對神沒信心，他既已說：祂醫治了我！但我在生病時，卻懷疑祂，沒有相信祂。

原來神要醫治的不只是我的憂鬱症，祂要醫治的是我的生命，祂要我與祂的關係是和好的。神要我看著祂，不是看著自己，更不是看著世界。祂要我抓住他給我的每一個應許。

近來神常提醒我，祂之前跟我說過的話：「你要平平安安的去！」這是神給我的應許和使命。神知道我膽小，所以，祂應許我，不管去哪裡，都會有他賜下的平安。神更是要我去祂帶我去的地方，是要見證祂、榮耀祂、傳講祂的地方。神的應許和神的指示都是我要抓住的，祂讓我看到祂對人的愛和祂渴望人與祂和好的心。雖然這屬呼祂的道路是漫長崎嶇的，但是卻也是美的！

我愛天上的爸爸～

每次跟神的關係遇到瓶頸的時候，總是掙扎好久
但是我越來越覺得每次的經歷，只讓我更加愛神
雖然靈命會有低潮，但是每當重新得力後，就會發現再苦的過程都是值得的
因為苦過、傷心過才發現這世界上唯一值得喜樂的就是神
唯一值得讓我一生毫無疑問的跟隨的只有神
當我為著自己的未來徬徨，擔心自己會離開神，我發現原來我是這麼的需要神
當我到神的面前訴說我的懼怕時，我以為不會有答案
但是我卻意外的發現，神把這個害怕取走了
現在我裡面充滿平安！
我還是不知道我的未來在哪裡，我不知道神要我在哪個位子上服事祂
我也不知道未來的工作性質為何，更不知道有沒有辦法準時畢業
但是這些不知道，這些要跨越的障礙、困難，已經不重要了
重要的事，無論我在哪裡，無論我是學生還是上班族，我的神不改變
我的信仰不改變，我跟神說過的話不收回
我曾經說過要用一生回應神，我如今還是說我要用一生回應神
我發現跟神的關係是越挫越甜
我只能說，神好奇妙！神好愛我！
神對我的愛，真的是我無法想像的。我從來沒想過連我都對自己放棄時，神不放棄。
原來神真的真的好愛好愛我！
我只想跟神說，我要獻上我的最愛，在祭壇前，不帶走。
現在不帶走，以後也不帶走。
現在獻上，以後也獻上，永遠都獻上！

Manantial de caricias

Adoro esta cancion.
Dedico esta cancion a Dios, mi primer amor!

Manantial de caricias

Hoy grabé tu nombre en mi corazón
Dibujé tu imagen en mi interior
Un jardín sembré para nuestro amor
Donde tú serás mi única razón
Traigo primaveras para estrenar
Y una vida para poderte amar y tengo

Manantial de caricias
Un remanso de paz
Un pedazo de cielo
Una estrella fugaz
Te regalo un poema
Que te inspire sonar
Un volcán de te quiero's
Que no olvides jamás

Te quiero, te quiero
Y por ti yo me muero
Te quiero, te quiero amar
Te quiero, te quiero
Y por ti yo me muero
Te quiero, te quiero amar
Te quiero
Te quiero

Hoy pondré en tus manos mi
porvenir (mi porvenir)
Yo sé que a tu lado seré feliz
Colgaré a tu cuello mi voluntad
Y seré la muestra de tu bondad
Traigo primaveras para estrenar (para estrenar)
Y una vida para poderte amar y tengo

Manantial de caricias...

界限

回台灣已經一陣子了。還記得剛到美國的時候，一直不太習慣華人教會的聚會。回到自己的教會我發現我有一種說不出來的熟悉和親切。可是不知道什麼時候開始，我好像在心理肅立好幾道很高很厚的牆。離開美國時，我並沒有這樣，但是回到台灣後，我發現無論人或神，只要有誰靠近我，我就覺得很不舒服，我就想要逃開。原來回家一趟讓我改變這麼深。

神帶我離開台灣，神帶領我面對自己的生命、自己的過去。在短短的五個月內，我發現我不認識自己。我也發現話語的力量，因為這次我深深的體會我一切的認知都是我自己告訴自己的話，即使這些話距離事實十萬八千里，只要我告訴自己那就是事實，它就深入我的潛意識，成為我認知及自我認知的一部份。這次我發現，我對「家」的認知只是我告訴自己要如何回憶「家」而不是我對從小到大成長的家的真實印象。原來我以前告訴自己想到「家」就要高興、懷念，因為「家」代表幸福，但是這次回家，我才發現我對「家」的記憶大多是讓我想要更封閉、更保護自己；我發現「家」沒有帶給我幸福的感覺，對我而言，它是責任，是我應該扮演的角色，是我許多的缺點一一被曝光的地方；原來我想到「家」會發抖。這次回家，我告訴自己，很清楚的告訴自己要封閉自己，因為只要封閉自己，心就不會痛了。慢慢的我把自己抽離，把自己鎖在房間裡，因為只有在房間裡，我才可以真的舒服的獨處，我才可以卸下所有的防衛，我才可以不用擔心下一秒會受傷，會痛。回家一個月，我的笑容很快就消失了，一直到要離開的那一天，我的笑容才又出現。也許對任何人都一樣，只有在保持一定的距離時我才能去愛人。

我發現，跟人，任何人我都需要保持距離，這個實體上的及關係上的距離對我而言代表安全，代表我可以全身而退，它代表我的避難空間。我發現，我無法跟別人住在一起，也許連家人也不行吧。只要跟一個人住在一起超過兩天，我發現我會神經緊繃、脾氣暴躁、瀕臨窒息，我會很想逃，會很想拼命的跑，跑得遠遠的，越遠越好，因為越遠越安全。在這一點我的理性和我的情緒已經決鬥了，而情緒勝過理性。剛回台灣時，借住同學家是這樣；現在，高中同學借住我家，我也是這樣。我到了無法控制的地步了嗎？

我以前一直以為這個情況只針對人，我絕對不會這樣對神，但是這次回台灣我竟然跟神說：「對不起，我不敢讓祢接近我，我不敢接受祢的愛，請祢不要跨越我的界線。」一方面我好想念跟神很親密的感覺，但是另一方面我不敢讓神接近我。唱詩歌讚美神或服事神的時候我都覺得好虛。我想要服事神，想要親近神，但是我不想要被親近。我理性上不會這樣，但是我的情緒勝過我的理性。我的心緊緊的封閉著。我不敢讓神接近我的心。但是這樣的我，要怎麼親近神？有保留的親近神不存在吧。最近敬拜，我發現我不斷的跟神說：「對不起，對不起，真的對不起，可是我不敢讓祢靠近，我不敢接受祢的愛，對不起，對不起，原諒我，原諒我。」